Dear Diary 3

August 4, 2011
By Anonymous

I just do not have the inspiration to write at the moment. My self esteem is running on E right now. Maybe I will write more tomorrow... or possibly later tonight.

Well, I'm back. My little sister, Morgan, is trying to blame me for not doing the dishes, but I did them last night. She better not have told my mom that I didn't do anything again because I've been doing everything I've been told to so Jeremy can come over and I can get a damn phone card. I better get one tomorrow or I;n going to be really angry. My mom is suppose to go the store tomorrow. Hopefully she does because there is nothing healthy to eat in this house. Frozen pizza, left over pizza, frozen french fries, and ramen noodles are not food I can stand to eat all the time. It's loaded with grease and salt. It kills my stomach. I have really bad acid reflux and indigestion. It sucks and makes me sick to my stomach in the mornings and evenings, but I'm really the only person who cares about what they are putting in their bodies around here. Anyways, I was in a much better mood today with the exception of bickering with Morgan an little. We get along sometimes but she is really bossy. She thinks that I better do everything because she does all the work when I'm not here, but that's not my problem. I could care less who is cleaning up when I'm not here because, the way I see it, I'm not here making a mess so she would just be cleaning up after herself. There is nothing wrong with that. She shouldn't bother me too much about it because I'm moving out pretty soon anyways and then she will have to do everything anyways. Oh well. I'm not going to concern myself with her. She thinks the world revolves around d her and she is always the victim of every drama. I really hope I get a phone card tomorrow. I will be so extremely happy. I really miss texting Jeremy. It's weird not to be able to text him. My mom has been working a lot lately, which is good for me. We fight too much. Some people just aren't made to get along and we both are stubborn as hell so it never goes well. Plus everything is about her too. I guess that's where Morgan gets it. I'm quiet and not a people person so I suppose it skipped me. I'm glad. Those kind of people get on my nerves. I see myself a lot like my uncle, John. He's my favorite uncle and he';s super cool about everything. My mom doesn't get along with him because she thinks she is always right and he thinks that he is never wrong. It makes me laugh when they fight. My mother is almost always wrong about anything they talk about. No offense to her, but she just isn't too smart. She's not dumb by any means, but she just isn't smart and doesn't like to admit she's wrong. I would love to live with him. Staying with him for about a week was amazing. He's just so cool and nice. I worked for him, but still. I love him to death. He's kinda my personal mentor. My mom would kill me if she knew I looked up to him more than her. Well, not actually kill me you know, but be really angry. I don't want anyone getting confused. My mom is wrapped in religion and tries to push it on me, but I don't believe any of it. It makes no sense to what we know about the world. The bible is nothing but a book. I threw mine in the trash. It means nothing to me and I will never read it again since my mom doesn't force me to church anymore. If she started going again I still would not go. Those people are crazy. Her boyfriend, Jorge, is catholic and those nuns and priest are nuts. They think they are above everyone else when truly all they are, are hypocrites and lairs. If they know what the truth is why does God kill and maim people everyday. Babies do nothing wrong. The ten commandments for example, do not kill, umm, that's common sense, don't steal, well no duh, people get pissed when you take their, do not commit adultery, I do not really understand that one. In some cultures it's okay to sleep around, but here it's not approved off. It could go either way. Honestly, if people want to have sex with someone they should be able to unless they have a partner and agreed to solely be theirs. If your married and your spouse didn't care would you? I don't think I would because I wouldn't want Jeremy sleeping around with other women, but I don't have a problem with other people doing it. It's kinda like being gay. I don't mind if people are, it's their choice, but I don't want them hitting on me. I'm just very open minded I suppose. My mom is not, and neither is my sisters. My family in general is very racist. I'm not, but then again I guess I've been exposed to more stuff. I have a gay best friend, and I don't have a problem with different races of people dating. My family would kill me if I brought a black guy home, but it wouldn't matter to me if he was sweet and kind and treated me right. I am so deeply in love with Jeremy. I'm so glad they approve of him. It's hard enough to see him as it is. At first it was kinda a big deal to people, but now everything has cooled down. The only person who seems to care now is Jeremy's mother and I do not know why. I'll just have to prove to her that I'm worthy to date her son, that I'm good enough. She mat never think I'm good enough, but at least I can try. He is her baby boy. Not the youngest of her kids, but her youngest boy. She cried when we went to prom. I'm surprised she did not come down to see us walk down the grand march. I was so nervous. I thought I was going to trip, but we did just fine. He looked so good in his tux. My dress was blue and the day of prom I got my hair done and nails. I did my own makeup but I'm really good. It looked professional. I felt beautiful for the first day in my life. If only I had the money top always have my nails done. I would love that. They were really pretty. I even got a spray tan and thank goodness I did not turn orange. Getting it done wasn't that bad since it was a machine. I think this year I'm going to try to get Homecoming Queen. I would really love that. Especially since I've never been nominated for it. I want to prove to my mom that I can make her proud. That I am worth something. Since I am in the band I have the opportunity to do senior night, but I think don't think I want to. I don't want to hurt my mother's feelings, but I don't want her to walk me down and be introduced with me. I'm not embarrassed of her or anything. I just do not want her sharing my glory. That may seem selfish, but I rather do it myself or not at all, and so not at all is my option. I guess I could have my grandpa walk me down, but I do not think he would want to. I might ask when the time gets closer. This year I'm going to work really hard and put in for as many colleges as I can, along with scholarships. I have to take my SAT too. My mom said she would take me on a college day, but she never did. I guess I'll just have to travel around next summer before I decide. I'm gonna need a lot of help from my guidance counselor though. I have no idea what I'm doing. My mom didn't go to college because she got married and pregnant right out of high school. I'll be the first person in my immediate family to go to college because my older sister is going into the navy, my bio father did not go to college, and neither did either one of my grandparents. To me, this is a big deal. Especially getting as much financial help that I can.

06/28/11 01:08:02 AM

The author's comments:
Well, another day, another story... Each day is getting harder for me at this point, and I am starting to fall apart. Emotions tend to run wild when your heart has been broken like mine has, the emotions roam free from their cage and charge rampant...

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