In my life, there was an event that I would not wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. No one should experience it. The thought of suicide can cripple your mind worse than any drug or alcoholic beverage. Thinking, KNOWING, that you're not good enough to continue living is the most horrific thought that one could ever create. I know this fact better than many others. And, unfortunately, some are able to agree with me. When I started contemplating suicide, I was about 15 or 16 years of age. The depression I experienced was unlike anything I had ever known. I was practically catatonic. No one has blamed me for thinking about it. My life has been nothing but one unfortunate happening after another. I never had time to get up and put up my dukes before the next blow struck me and knocked me senseless. This time, it was a right hook. I wanted so badly to just throw my gloves on the floor of the ring and yell, "I'm DONE! I quit! I refuse to continue existing!" And that's exactly what I did most of the time. But it wasn't helping anything. So I would keep fighting. Eventually, the lifelong boxing match got rather tiring, so I began entertaining the possibility of ending the exhausting match that is my life. To show you how close I got, please allow me to take you back to a time that has long since past, but a time that is still too recent for my liking.



I opened the unmistakable orange pill bottle into my hand, sifting through the pills with my thumb, making a guess of how many there were. Were there enough to just put me to sleep? Or were there enough to give me the relief I so desperately desired? There was only one way to find out...



At that thought, my body shut down. I was suddenly on autopilot. My eyes were fixed on the shiny, porcelain toilet next to me. I slowly outstretched my hand that was in the shape of a fist. When my arm was at its full length, I rotated and opened my hand, and allowed gravity's force to take over. The wet plopping of the pills colliding with the water brought me out of my trance. What was I doing? I couldn't end my life, at least, not now. I was too afraid of what lies after this life. Was it full of puffy, white clouds, or just a blinding blackness that tasted of sweet, numbing Novocaine? Maybe in a few months, I would. When the time comes, I'd make sure I had enough pills to achieve the desired affect. For the next several months, I thought seriously about ending my life. I thought about it, until one day, I turned on the TV to discover an old, classic movie playing. Little did I know that movie would change my entire life in a matter of minutes.



The movie was called "East of Eden". It was released in 1955, and the star was the new-found James Dean. He played Cal Trask, the son of a strict, religious father who never showed his love for Cal throughout his entire life. Cal had a twin brother named Aron who could do no wrong. He was perfect in every way, while Cal constantly acted out in anger, and jealousy, and hopelessness. As I watched this movie for 3 hours, my eyes were glued to the screen. I didn't dare look away. James Dean's performance was something I had never seen before. He was incredibly vulnerable, pleading, and afraid. To me, James Dean isn't just another actor. He is a legend. He is an icon. He breathed life into my otherwise lifeless body. After that movie had finished, I knew right then and there what I wanted to do - what I was SUPPOSED to do - what I was meant for. I wanted to act. I wanted to make James Dean proud. I wanted to make him realize how much he is truly missed, and loved. If this beautiful, broken man who changed the world in a little over a year, had his life ripped away in an automobile accident at the age of 24, I certainly had no right to choose to end mine.



I am alive because of him. He's not just a memory of a long forgotten time period. James Dean has been dead for over half a century, and he saved my life - my insignificant, little life. James encountered so many things that set him back so far. His mother died, and his father rejected him, and his choice of career. Yet, he always believed he would be the best. No, the greatest. He once said, "The only greatness is immortality". And that's exactly what he did. He achieved immortality. He always kept going, and he always had the utmost confidence in himself, and his work. He never let anyone tell him he wouldn't make it. "You'll see! I'll be the best! You just wait and see! I'll show you!"


He struck the match that has caused over 50 years' worth of aspiring actors to be engulfed in a flame of excitement and wonder. He has changed the lives of hundreds, most likely thousands, of people. I want to DO something...I want to BE somebody, so I can hold my head up. I will be the greatest. I will be the
best. And it's because of James Dean...because he made me live.