Prison

September 16, 2012
By , Shrewsbury, MA
Prison is a word that often comes to mind when recalling back on the different events in my life. I think everyone has their own personal type of prison, each sculpted and shaped by our thoughts, behaviors, needs, wants. For me, my wants took over my thoughts, changed my behaviors, and created my needs. I wanted to be skinny. I thought about it all the time and I would have done anything for it, to the point where I absolutely needed it. I cannot think of a time in my life where I have ever felt worth the fight, worth anything.

When I was around six years old, I went to the market with my mom. It was a fairly uneventful trip, it probably wouldn’t have even stayed in my memory if not for the conversation at the checkout.

“Mommy, will you get this for me?” My eyes pleaded.

Laughing she responds, “why would you need that?”

I looked at her, dumbfounded. I gave her my most simple answer, because surely she’d understand.

“Because I’m fat.”

At this everyone within a ten mile radius exploded with belly cramping laughter. With burning cheeks, I looked down, embarrassed. They don’t understand. They’re laughing because I’m fat and stupid. Everything I say is stupid. People laugh at me because I’m just fat and stupid.

When I was fifteen, I picture that year as the inside of a tornado. I am on the inside, spiraling towards the ground. The further down I travel, the farther away I get from my happiness at the top. That year was when I finally signed up for a gym. I started going every day I could . If I couldn’t go, I was miserable. There was no way my mom could get me there every day, and that is when I invented my own methods to stay fit even when I couldn’t go. It started with me cutting out certain foods completely. Then I cut out meals. Then I’d go days without eating. But alas, my body was starved. I’d come home and talk myself into eating just one bite of something. Telling myself it’s okay. One bite turned into two, three, four, all of it. I ate and ate and ate. Desperate and miserable, I went to the bathroom. I did not allow myself to think about what I was doing. My mind was blank, focused on thinness. I had to have it. So as my meal came up for the first time, I did not think hey maybe I shouldn’t do this; or, hey I know this isn’t healthy. I thought: You fat disgusting pig. Look at what you’ve done. You shouldn’t have eaten that in the first place so now you have to deal with it.

When I was sixteen, Demi Lovato came out of treatment and shared her story. She cut herself, she was bipolar, and... she had an eating disorder. She aspired to inspire all the girls who have struggled with similar issues she had. She was on countless talk shows, radio stations, interviews. She would talk about everything she went through and how she made it. How she never believed she was worth it.. but she was. And so are we. I’d listen to her interviews, the same ones over and over, and just cry and cry. When I watched her talk, I trusted her. I believed in everything she was saying, and when she told me I was worth it and could get better, I trusted her with my entire heart.

Today I am seventeen and a half. I have a treatment team of five amazing people who have never given up on and I work closely with. Telling my mom was scary, but I felt strong enough because I felt like I had Demi on my side. When I told her I was sick, she told me she knew. That to me was my biggest shock. I thought I was so good at hiding my secret. I found out my whole family knew, but no one knew how to make me better. The truth is, when you have an eating disorder, nobody can make you better. That is the scariest realization you have to come to during treatment... you will not get better unless you want it 100% and you are ready to check back into life. Life for me has been so overwhelming lately. I have a part time job, and I am in my last year of high school. There are times when I get so overwhelmed because I’m just not used to having to worry about so many things at once, when before my life revolved around just my body and what I was eating. But I always know I can make it, because I have my hero, my Demi, on my side. I am worth the fight, I am worth it all.





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Anonymous said...
Sept. 27, 2012 at 9:39 pm
That was seriously beautiful, you inspire me to be a better person.
 
kayfenway said...
Sept. 27, 2012 at 8:04 pm
You're perfect. 
 
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