Project V.I.G.I.L.A.N.T.E. Protecting Society and Saving the Economy

April 24, 2012
By cbarry BRONZE, Tempe, Arizona
cbarry BRONZE, Tempe, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

With the Economy in the toilet, hope has been hard to come by. The new bill called Project V.I.G.I.L.A.N.T.E. proposed by Representative Jeff Fortenberry from Nebraska may be just the hope we’re looking for. Project V.I.G.I.L.A.N.T.E. would allow the government to cut an estimated 200 billion dollars from the individual state deficits. Representative Joe Courtney from Connecticut had this to say, “I definitely approve of Representative Fortbenberry’s plan. It is a surefire way to get our economy back on track.”

Project V.I.G.I.L.A.N.T.E. stands for Vigilantes Initiating Goodness In Local And National Tactical Engagements. The bill is largely composed of the immediate disbanding of police forces across the country. With the police force cut from each state’s budget, the economy will rise up from its stagnant state to once again flourish. The responsibilities of protecting America from any domestic threats will fall upon the shoulders of Citizen Vigilantes.

Citizen Vigilantes are US citizens who volunteer to help fight crime at regular intervals. It is recommended that they identify themselves with a superhero name. Further, they are encouraged to wear a superhero costume of their own design. Citizens may obtain their Vigilante licenses through an application to their local government office. Vigilantes enforce current executive laws in their superhero costume through their superhero means. They may learn of present crimes by patrolling the city, or listening to old police scanners now renamed Vigilante radios. Crimes would still be reported through 911, the only remaining department within the police force. To comment on how a Vigilante Superhero may go about stopping crime, fellow Congressman John Sullivan had this to say, “Alright let’s say there is a bank robbery on 15th and K street. 3 masked men all of them armed with 5 hostages. Now we have our superhero called the Man of the Mist who arrives on the scene. The Man of the Mist would use a smoke bomb to disorient and take down the robbers. He would say some catchphrase like, ‘you got smoked’ and then drop them off in front of the local jail. This system will work perfectly.” The bigger the crime, the more vigilantes would naturally show up. In return for their services the Vigilantes are offered various levels of tax incentives, as well as the occasional key to the city.

Representative Fortenberry’s inspiration for this bill came from growing up while reading Batman comics. He believes that America’s fascination with costumed crime fighters will inspire citizens to become superheroes themselves. With the new superhero movies coming out this summer, Representative Courtney commented that, “This bill could not have been introduced at a better time. People will flock to the opportunity of protecting their streets in multicolored spandex.” Representative Fortenberry said that the Vigilantes could also help out their society by visiting sick children in their local hospitals or participating in “Say no to Drugs!” PSA’s. If Dr. Awesomeman doesn’t smoke, then neither will I!
Certain Congressmen are opposed to the bill, because they find the firing of thousands of police officers to be controversial or something. This is definitely not the case, for the police officers are automatically qualified for their vigilante license. They can do what they did beforehand, this time sporting a fancy red cape. If the vigilante path isn’t their choice, the unemployment line will welcome them with open arms. To comment on his future unemployment, NYPD commissioner Raymond W. Kelly had this to say, “Dammed happy about it. Always thought I looked better in tights.”

Another concern that has come up since the introduction of the bill is the possibility that Vigilantes will defect. When this question came up at a D.C. rally promoting the bill, Representative Fortenberry calmed the crowd by saying, “You shouldn’t be worried about the possibility of Supervillains. Naturally, a new superhero will rise up and name the villain as his or her arch-nemesis. The two will fight in a battle of epic proportions and the superhero will come up on top, because Good always wins!” A standing ovation lasting 2 hours followed this statement. Cheers of “Captain Fortenberry” rose from the crowd.

With all the voting behind Project V.I.G.I.L.A.N.T.E. to take place within the next two months, it can be safely assumed that we will have a Super Summer heading our way.

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