Promise Tattoo

March 16, 2009
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You asked me to be strong, to not cry and to take care of Grandma and my Mom after you were gone. You are gone and I have tried so hard to not cry and to be strong for them. But in the night I leave for my room and tears just pour out. I had lost you, which was extremely hard on me you were my hero and my friend. Four days later, my puppy died I had been going to her to comfort me. Now my best friend and puppy had passed away, I had nothing left.

Who was I to confide in when I felt there was nothing left for me? How was I supposed to deal with two deaths that I never would have or could have anticipated?
What was I going to do with myself, you were the only one in the family that I felt like I could actually talk too? Yes that’s slowly begun to change, I finally have Shawn there for me. We are both going through similar things and both have similar feelings, so we can gang up and everything. We actually understand each other.

Nobody realizes what I have all gone through. They don’t realize that I still cry almost every night, and if I don’t cry I think about you and I wonder if I have made you happy. I keep doing things and wonder how you would feel if you were here.

I followed your wish; I am at UWW for you. I’m still in the theatre, because you liked what I did when I was there. I love it here, I love what I am doing. Thank you. Every day I walk around campus I can’t help but smile. I thought I would not like it here, and that’s so not true. You knew me better than I thought possible.

You were the only one in the family that loved me. I was your favorite, now I have no one. You never got to see me graduate, you never got to see me do a professional show (I thought of you every night I worked on Fat Pig), you never got to dance with me at my wedding, you never got to hold my newborn baby, you never got to see me off to college. You will never be able to do any of it. You are gone and all I have left is longing memories and an empty hole that I wish could be filled. You loved to watch me dance you loved going to my dance recitals, I quit dance along time ago, but the first show I’m stage managing at UWW is for you. I’m doing ECC, a dance recital. You will be there with me in spirit I’m more than positive. As hard as it will be I will be happy to know that I will still have you.

I’m alive which I wouldn’t have thought I would be able to say. I lost both of you and I lost my will to live. I lost the two most important beings in my life so I felt like there was no point in me still being alive. I didn’t understand then and I still don’t understand now. What’s the reason that I’m still here and you aren’t. What’s my purpose in life. There’s gotta be something if I’m still alive, seeing as I thought I wouldn’t make it through another night all to often.

It’s been two years and every single day I have thought about getting a tattoo for you for Hallie. I’ve been wanting a dove with an olive branch from the start, originally with a banner saying both of your names over my heart. After expressing this all to Shawn, she expressed to me her feelings. She was all for the idea and went to the extent of giving advice on the tattoo. It’s gotten down to just a dove with an olive branch and now on my wrist. To represent life, a new beginning, a new start. I’m getting it this summer for you guys in hope that I will be able to have closure, not forget but to finally have a piece of you guys with me forever which is what I need most.





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