Dear My Younger Self,
Life was tough for you in the beginning. Your parents got divorced when you were only four years old. You didn’t know why your family wasn’t the same as it once was, and you thought it was all your fault. You thought for some reason, a little-four-year old girl, who didn’t know any torment or sorrow, caused her parents to get divorced. You didn’t sleep, eat, or really do anything for about three days. You were sent to the hospital and were treated. You were sent to the hospital numerous times almost always for the same thing. Getting depressed and/or suicidal, and attempting it. Eventually, you got better, but that wasn’t the only time.
In the back of your mind, there was this little voice, that would constantly nag you and tell you, you weren’t good enough, how everything you did was wrong, and you didn’t deserve to live. Let me tell you, that voice never goes away. I still live with it every single day. It got really brutal just a few days ago, and I nearly relapsed, but there’s a huge difference from how you and I deal with that little voice. I know you used to hold it in and say it only when you wanted attention. At times, I’ll still exaggerate my feelings when I want attention, but not nearly as much as I used to. Now you have so many caring people to talk to. Since I’ve opened up about how I’ve been feeling, I’ve met and made a lot of new friends. People are more caring than you think. Once you explain to them what’s really been going on, and they actually take the time to listen to you; It makes a huge impact, trust me.
Also, you’ve finally done the one thing you thought you never could do; you told your parents about your depression and suicidal thoughts. After a really rough day, and a horrible night, you put a little note explaining what you were going through. In turn, telling her you’ve been struggling with suicide. She was ok with it; she was just happy that you had finally told her.
Now, as I’m sure you know, your dad was a lot harder to tell. He’s still hard on you, and hard to explain certain things. Dad has always been over-protective, even since a time neither of us could remember, but that’s just how he is. He always wants the best; He’ll give his everything just to make you smile. He’s attempting to understand more, and he’s getting a lot better. I’m talking to a friend from his work; she helps me with my suicidal thoughts and possible actions. You’ll meet her soon enough, and you're really gonna like her.
I know, you're probably going through a lot of things that you have no idea how or why your feeling that way, or have any clue on how to stop it. You're gonna think that you're going crazy, that you need serious help, or that you're twisted in the head, but you're not. It’s all simply in your head. Those things about not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not being skinny enough, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because you have so many people who think just the opposite of you. For some reason, people really do seem to love you and want to be around you. So do I if I could. Even though you're a little of the chubby side, I absolutely adore you.
Without having to put you through everything you’ve been going through. I wouldn't be here right now, writing this to you. You've already been through hell and back. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for just being you. Even though you hated life and wanted it so badly to end, thank you for being strong and surviving it all. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna get a lot worse, but you'll fight your way through it. Every time you feel depressed or suicidal, you’ll find a little beam of light in the darkness that'll pull you out. No matter who or what that is, it'll help you get out of those dark times; I promise. You'll learn that soon enough, but for now, just keep being you. Both I and everyone else will love you no matter what! So...best wishes, and good luck!! If you ever need me, just look inside of yourself to find what will truly get you out of those times!