I sit and stare, grazing my eyes across the tens of people. Dancing, holding each other, laughing. I want to. I want to have that too. But all I can do is think about how you aren’t here to enjoy it with me. I can’t enjoy it without you. I try to dance with a friend when a good song comes on but I can’t seem to fully let loose. It just doesn’t feel right….nothing feels right. Without you here everything has a missing piece. You...you are my missing piece. You filled me for a while but then we were taken away from each other. But why? We were so happy. We got to cuddle and hug and kiss. I try to block the memories out...not that I don’t treasure them...but it makes it easier to pretend I’m happy here alone. Once I let the thoughts play for just a second all the others follow behind and I’m stuck ...falling….you’re not here to catch me. YES I am happy that we’re still together...but it doesn’t make me feel better that you’re almost three thousand miles away. Nobody really can understand how hard it really is. But I put on a brave face….for them...for you...for me. For US. I do everything now for us. Us is my favorite thing. The thing that keeps a smile on my face. The thing that keeps happiness in my heart. And the only thing holding me together right now...when everything else is trying to tear me down. But it can’t, because you’re here for me ...well there* for me. I just love you so much. Why can’t I have you? No kisses on my cheek, no kisses on my lips, no rubbing on my back, or holding of my hips.
The things that we used to be able to do...ripped away from us and we can’t do anything about it.
Oh what I’d do to taste your sweet lips again. To feel the warmth of your body next to mine. I have to wait. I have to wait a full year to be with the love of my life again. I’d rather have someone cut off my finger with a butterknife. No matter what they say we can make it though. What does anyone else really know about us? They can’t feel the butterflies in my stomach when you call me beautiful, they haven’t felt how special I feel every time you tell me how you feel about me. They don’t know about what we’ve gotten through together. How we’ve grown. They don’t know about the 3 a.m calls because we can’t get to sleep without crying for an hour first. Maybe it is pathetic...but if missing and loving my boyfriend so much that it makes me cry and stressed and irritable and depressed….then pathetic I am. But they can go ahead and believe what they want, because only you and I truly know. Know how much it kills us to be apart.