Why Did I Love You? This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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   This is a question that I subconsciously ask myself every day. I feel ashamed that I was so dumb to sit around after everything that happened between us. You made me feel like anything you ever did to me was all in my head. If you wanted me to believe it took place, you would switch it around in my head to make me think and feel that it was normal.

You made me revalue myself entirely. I once thought I was a worthwhile person with a few problems, but then it all changed. You made me feel worthless, ugly, and stupid! I realize now that it was all part of your plan to keep me. You wanted me to believe that I was worth nothing so I didn't feel like there was something better in the world waiting for me!

You made me look like a fool in front of my friends by ordering me around and flirting with others right in front of me, but I never did anything. I couldn't find it in my heart; I loved you so much.

I guess that love really messed me up. You were all that was on my mind, so that when a simple slap turned into a full-fledged fist, I thought it was normal, or that I must have done something to deserve it. I was wrong again. No one can ever do anything so bad to deserve actually getting hit! You would not care about my feelings. It was like I was in love with one of my worst enemies! I would never tell anyone what you were doing though, because I didn't want you to get into trouble. I never stopped to think of myself.

I should have just gotten up and walked away when you went too far and almost killed me. Even then though, I said to myself, He's going to change. I just know he will! The change never came; you just got worse.

Finally I knew it was time to get away from you before you literally killed me! Even after I did, you still seemed to be there, whether it was in my mind or you yourself threatening people because you wanted me back.

Since then, I finally experienced a loving relationship, but I didn't know how to deal with it; my mind was all messed up! I would wonder, When is this boy going to do something wrong and hit me? I thought this because I was so used to being hurt. All that negative thinking ruined the new relationship. I lost one of the best things in my life!

I will never forget the feelings, the emotional and physical pain you caused me and my family. I guess it will always leave me with the question, why did I ever love you?

I think I know the answer: I fell in love with someone else, not the monster you turned out to be. I will learn to heal from all of this, but I will never forget it!

Author's Note: My story is one of physical and mental abuse between girlfriends and boyfriends. This is a real issue which goes on all the time, maybe right in your school. If you have this problem, please realize it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Talk to an adult, a teacher, nurse, etc. They will help you. When I first told a teacher what was happening to me, she listened and then helped me! Believe me, it's the best step you can ever take.


This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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alaskan_girlz said...
Mar. 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I can really relate to your story. That happened to me and whenever I tried to break up with that guy he would hit me. I finally got a chance to break up with him and found someone who really loves me! I'm glad you got out of your relationship too! It is very scary to be in that kind of relationship! It has been almost 3 years since I broke up with my abusive ex-boyfriend and nearly 3 years since I have been with that other guy who really loves me!
 
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