I have many terrible childhood memories. My mother was (and is), in my opinion, an alcoholic. I can remember waking up each morning and being afraid to talk to her because I was unsure of her mood. Each member of my family has his or her own way of dealing with this problem. My father worked a busy schedule. He was gone a few days of the week from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. and the rest from 6 p.m. to 8 a.m. Even when he got time off, he would try anything to stay away from the insane atmosphere of our house. My oldest sister's role was to be in the middle, no matter who was fighting. My other sister's role was to ignore what was happening. At the first sign of a fight, she fled to her room. My baby brother's role was to attempt to attract attention away from the individual fighting. My role was more important. I was the scapegoat. Everything was my fault. For example, when my parents decided on divorce, my mother convinced us that if it weren't for my constant need for her attention, my dad would still be with us. My brother and sisters came to believe this and wanted me to leave instead of him. This was about five years ago, and my parents are still going through the messy court procedures.

My sisters moved in with my father during the summer of 1991. My mother convinced my brother and me that if it weren't for my selfish behavior, my sisters and father would still be with us. I later found out that this wasn't true. Instead my sisters had learned about her drinking problem and decided to leave.

About this time I realized her problem was more serious than I had thought. She began drinking more than usual and hiding her drinks. I found empty bottles hidden everywhere. I then joined my sisters at my father's small apartment. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room for me.

Today I'm renting a room from a woman with whom my father has been friends for a while. I live with her and her son. In the short time that I've lived with them, they've become my family. In my opinion, moving in with them was the turning point in my life. I still have many difficulties with personal relationships, such as trusting people, believing in people or having a relationship with a guy. Trust is a hard thing to get back when your life has been full of lies.

There are so many incidents that have happened, not just to me, but to my friends and other family members that I will never forgive my mother for. I desperately try to understand that she has a problem and I pray every day that she'll get help. Having gone through this, the chances of it happening to me again have been drastically reduced. I'd like to say to all the other children who are going through this, "Don't run from your problems. It just makes them worse." Look for those who can help you. There are people out there who will be your friend and give you good advice and help you through these seemingly impossible times. It does get better. It just takes a lot of time to heal. n