How to Ditch a Girl

April 6, 2017
1. Be the asshole you know you are. Tell her you hate her. Get all of your friends to make rude and snarky comments whenever she walks into the room. Keep going when she begs you to stop taunting her and keep going when you see the tears well up in her eyes. She’s bluffing. Girls are spawns of the devil capable of destroying your social status and shrinking your swag points.

2. Hit her with that, “We need to talk” By sending this quick message, you spark her attention. If she asks you what’s wrong, don’t respond. You have to keep the suspense. When you do get the chance to finally talk to her, start off easy. You can’t workout without a warmup! Try starting off with ”I think you’re a great person.” From here there are many different approaches you can take. A lot of people resort to a compliment sandwich. Just like it sounds, you sneak a meaty insult between two comments of praise. When she asks whyyy you want to end things, give a very straightforward answer (one that will shut her up). A classic one you could use is “It’s not you, it’s me.” or maybe even “I just don’t see a future with you”

3. Get creative. Track down that hot girl that cheats off your shoulder in pre-calc and pay her. Pay her to follow “your girl” into the bathroom and snap embarrassing pictures of her dropping a log in the lake. Next, post them on your twitter page with the caption, “No wonder our relationship was so shitty…”

4. Put a glock on your rari. When she leaves school that day and it’s dark, follow her home. If she notices, don’t worry. Keep freaking her out, the world will be better without her constant nagging. She may try the “three right turns” thing but don’t stop until she pulls over and parks the car. When she does, mug her and threaten her if she doesn’t leave you alone. Be sure to wear some type of disguise though. No one should recognize you with pantyhose on your head.

5. Be depressing. Drop that clever sense of humor that she loves so much. Do not take her out on dates and do not have fun at home. The worse time she has with you, the better. Make every second so agonizing that she refuses to spend time with you. If you really want to go all out, don’t change your clothes or wash your hair for days on end. People suffering from clinical depression will often lose interest in activities and let’s be real, basic upkeep can sometimes can be a chore.

6. Disagree. About everything. She wants to watch Mean Girls, you want to watch 21 Jump Street. She’s a Democrat, you’re a Republican. The easiest way to annoy her is to win every argument. It’s important to stay calm but at the same time, don’t back down. Provide facts to back up your argument and ask questions to make her scramble. When she answers, listen for possible weaknesses in her position and use them against her. One of the best ways to push her buttons is to pull some bullshit like, “Don’t you want our kids to grow up in a safer environment.” Ridicule her for being so insensitive and humiliate her in public.

7. Boycott. Hey, if Rosa Parks can do it, so can you! Don’t respond to any of her texts. Everytime she tries to talk to you, just simply turn away. Erase her from your life and make her memories of you fade away like day to darkness. Without fully shutting the door, you leave her wondering if you will ever reappear in her life… even if it is for a few quick minutes ;)

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MamaCo said...
Apr. 11 at 12:52 am
So proud of you thinking out of the box and taking a chance, Alex! Keep on writing!
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