Peep-Rex

I think most of us would agree that the Peeps the Easter Bunny brings us are pretty nasty. So why do we get them year after year? It is a question that has plagued children for generations, and we now have an answer, proven by intense scientific study: the sole purpose of the Peeps is your parents’ enjoyment.

Take this case: my father is a very funny man. One lovely Easter morning, while the rest of my family was sitting around the kitchen table devouring the mountains of candy we had gotten, my dad sauntered up. A lone Peep was sitting on the edge of the table, forlorn and abandoned. Once my dad caught sight of it, his demeanor changed completely. His body stiffened as he folded his arms up, bringing his hands to his shoulders in an odd, predatory manner. His strides became tiny, mincing steps as he approached the table where the oblivious Peep rested.

Now he had the attention of the whole family, and from seemingly nowhere, we heard a cute but desperate “peep, peep, peep.” At this noise, my father’s pupils dilated while his steady breathing turned to feral growls. He crept up to the Peep and dove at it, grabbing it with his teeth and tossing it into the ­gaping cavern of his mouth.

We remained speechless for a few seconds as we observed him devouring the poor chick. Then, with a frightened face, my little sister turned to her candy basket and pulled out an entire package of Peeps, offering them to him wordlessly.