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Aids: To Be Or Not To Be This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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   AIDS: To Be or Not To Be ... by Anon., Weymouth, MA

That's the bottom line, isn't it? I don't wish to have the virus, who does? But I do wish to know if I have it. I'm in that awful period, called the window period, in which I have to wait six (long) months before I can be tested to be positively sure.

All because of one night of totally meaningless sex with my roommate's boyfriend. How many others had he slept with? I was so drunk, most of it's a blur. How stupid can one person be? I have never regretted anything more in my whole nineteen years of life. Nineteen! I'm too young to die! I have my whole life ahead of me to do fantastic things! But because of one night, all of an hour or so, under the influence at that, with a guy I can't even talk to anymore! And for that, because of no protection (which I was too drunk to even think about) I might die. My life might end, and not too pleasantly. I may never be able to fall in love, travel the world, sleep in late, watch all my cousins grow up. I always thought I'd outlive my parents. What now?

And what if I do have it? How do I explain that to my parents? My parents who think their daughter is an absolute angel, who wouldn't drink, much less have sex before marriage. What do I tell them? And worse, my dear older brother who protects me, wasn't able to protect me this time.

I was never one to take life for granted because of its beauty. But it is easy to get wrapped up in daily affairs. Sometimes I just want to shake people and tell them it's not worth worrying over when you could die any day. Sure, if I have AIDS, I could easily be killed in a car accident first, but to know I might be dying anyway! Nothing compares to that. I cry a lot. I still have two months before I even find out: I'm sure there will be more crying.

Obviously I don't think I have AIDS, but isn't that what they all say? That's what scares me. And then I wonder about my religion. What if there is no God? What if I just die and that's that? What if ... what if ... what if ...

Right now I consider myself lucky to be saying "what if." I know there are thousands and thousands who have already found out. And I only hope I won't have it. It's kind of ironic - for someone who has attempted suicide a couple of times, I sure don't want to die (especially when I have no say). No one knows how much I want to live. They say nothing brings you closer to life than death.

Sex just isn't worth it. Even protected sex isn't one hundred percent safe. I know many of you think, "So what, it won't happen to me." But that's what I said. And that's how I felt. Sex is a part of life, so why can't I have some? Wait until you are married, then have all the sex you want. It's not worth dying over.




This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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