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Memories

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Tears... tiny drops, huge messages inside. How can they carry my pain?my love?my loneliness? They carry the echo of your words, the echo of my heartbeats... You said you were leaving but you never call your destination, you said it was over but you never discussed the reasons... I let you go without realizing the part of me followed you, and became your shadow, your angel, your nightmare... I promise this is the last story about you leaving me, in the next ones I'm going to be the one who leaves.
...Winter...Freezing wind... First time in my life I noticed that the cold weather can be as pleasant as summer heat when you are with the one you love. It was me and you and the snowflakes. The sun was hidden in the horizon but you could feel its presence, at least I could, it was impossible to ignore its shine in your transparent eyes, blue eyes, sometimes they made me wonder if the sun really belonged to the sky. The air was frozen, dead, not a single movement. So quiet, so peaceful...so empty. I took your hand in mine and looked into your eyes. And then the sides of your mouth moved, forming a perfect arc, that lite your face with a light, with a joy... You were about to say something but words seemed to be soundless, you whispered something, but I was too busy memorizing your face to run after the words and try to understand their meanings. I didn't care, I never do. I don't need words to hear you, I don't need them. After all what are the words when you have a loving heart? Words... someone who was blind in his heart and hurt in his soul made them, they don't deserve to be heard, they don't deserve to be on your lips.

An hour long walk lasted forever and ended so soon. It's funny and sad at the same time how you spend all your time with someone who changes you in a way you cant identify yourself in the mirror, your soul becomes the biggest stranger and you heart takes control of your actions. My world was no longer mine, it was just a black and white movie and you were the director and the author of my life story. It's unfair, I know, but trust doesn't recognize the fairness and love doesn't question the trust.
" I wish it was always like this," the words, the stupid words burst out from my mouth.
" I hate winter," you murmured. Did you really mean this?
"I'm not talking about winter, you know, I'm talking about us, about you," the obvious panic and disappointment in my voice took over my calmness.
" What about me? No, wait, what about us?" As you said this, I slowed down my steps and eventually I stopped, I'm not sure though. Maybe it was the world around me that stopped? Most likely. I fell everything falling apart, your love for me was a complicated puzzle, with thousands and thousands pieces, and now you were separating those pieces, every single bond was broken down. I wish you burnt them instead of killing, separating them. I would prefer them burning together, then, maybe I would have a hope for them being together and bringing us together.

I felt tears fighting to break out from my eyes, now I was feeling the cold, the winter chill. Amazing how something meaningless can mean so much. My eyes pierced through your thoughts and I learnt so much about your. I felt sorry for myself, the red color blushed my cheeks and chilly winter kisses make them look even more irritated. I didn't feel anger, hate or something like that. I was numb from the bitter truth. I didn't have the right to be mad at you. You were what you were and I was unable to change you, I didn't want to, because I loved you the way you were.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not the one you are looking for, and you are not the right one for me either," you said these words and smiled afterwards, once again proving my theory, that words are meaningless; you were not sorry and we both knew that, at least, you did.
" We don't have to be right for each other, I'm not a key and you are not a lock, we don't have to match perfectly. But if that's what you want..."
"It really is..."
....Sometimes, looking back I think I'm weak, I didn't fight for you, for your love. But now I understand. I'm not weak, I let you go because I loved you and love is about sacrificing yourself for someone who you love. I still remember you... You face is the inseparable part of my heart and my memories, but by losing you I won something more important; I freed myself Now I know who I am and I belong only to myself, and my movie is not black and white anymore. It has all the shades of my favorite colors.





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