October 29, 2008

"I'm a gentleman to all ladies, but I only serve one Princess."

I don't know if you already knew this, but I would have done anything for you. I went out of my way just to help you, but I've realized that all I was doing was sacrificing myself for somebody who doesn't even acknowledge me. Something as simple as "thank you" or some sort of appreciation from you made me really happy. Maybe it was because you are a girl.

"Where is she? She's not with you today."
"...I don't know." I couldn't say anything besides that.
"Why are you always like this? You always have these kinds of problems."

Yeah, that's right. I do, don't I? If a person who doesn't even know me that well noticed something like that, it must have been a a huge change. I thought our world together would last for eternity. Just waiting under a tree and sitting on a dirty driveway was fine with me because I was able to spend time with you. No matter how much work I had to do at home, I would always delay it to stay with you for a while longer. Maybe it was because you are a girl.

"Thank you so much for the terms! I didn't know you were typing all the definitions out for me!"

She was happy and she was really appreciative about it. She even hugged me - something that she would never do very often. The night before, I had stayed up and delayed my homework just to help her with her history terms. I helped her because she is a girl; I'm always nicer to girls. But no matter how thankful she was that I helped her, I couldn't help but only think, "It was a waste of my time."

I would never think that if I had done it for you. After that, every other miniscule task that I did for any other girl that took up my time, I would think that - "It was a waste of my time." I didn't know what the problem was, but I do now. It was the same problem every time.

Even now when I hear that you need a favor from someone, something in my mind triggers and I get this feeling that I have to help you. I don't understand words like "love" or "frienship", so perhaps you would have meant more if I understood it. Selfishly thinking that you would always ask for my help, I guess there are times when you just don't need me. Is that what I unconsciously meant when I referred to myself as your "knight in shining armor, but really an idiot in aluminum foil"?

Do you know what the problem was every single time I had to help a girl and it took up my time?

"It wasn't you, Princess."

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