Bitter x Promise x Days

October 29, 2008
By Anonymous

Bitter x Promise x Days

"How was your day?"
"It was fine, like usual."

Yes, that's right, the usual. What I would always say because there's nothing else to say; just meaningless talk because I want to talk to you, but I can't. It's not a matter of words. It's the content of our conversation. It's not getting through. Nothing is getting through. Nothing is going to change this.

Whether I wanted you to notice me or something like that, you're never going to notice. It's apart of your personality, yes, but there's another reason why you won't notice. It's because you don't want to. You don't want to see me or notice me. You're already tired of this, even though I'm trying so hard. Just a little bit, I wanted to give up, but when I remember how happy we used to be, I get motivated to try again. It's so pathetic.

I can't say things like her and make you laugh. Somewhere along the way, I really lost you. I knew your reaction to everything - when you lie, when you're mad - I can tell. But that's not helping. Just watching you closely, it isn't helping.

"What's wrong?"
"Hm? It's nothing."

Of course there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. It's us that is the problem. No matter how many times I say it, it hasn't reached you. I'm hoping and hoping, but I know it won't reach.

When you say 'thanks' or 'sorry', there's so much bitterness in it; the dissatisfaction that we both have with each other. Thinking that putting distance between us would have helped you realize the problem with our relationship, but I guess I was the one expecting the most out of it. The result of my expectations just left me in disappointment, just like how I always hope that you're going to hold my hand.

"Are you going to prom next year?"
"Yeah, most likely."
"Do you want to go with me?"
"Yeah, okay, whatevers."
"Okay, then we're going to prom together next year then."

In making that promise, I realized what I was hoping to do. It wasn't just to have your company for that night, someday so far into the future. It was a promise to ensure myself that you'll be with me next year, too. I was thinking that maybe, just maybe, we would be together for that long. No matter how restrained we are with words, I wanted to be with you. I'm just left with a lot of broken promises now. It's fine, though, because...promises are made to be broken, anyway, right?

I want to just simply laugh at myself for crying at something so simple. To everybody else, it probably seemed like a small matter. It probably was. But to me, it was my world. It crashed down and fell, torn into pieces and impossible to put back together. When I made that decision, I didn't half-ass it. I did it whole-heartedly thinking about you. Even though I say that, I made the decision without talking it through with you. I must have guessed it was something you wanted too, since I've always guessed correctly about your answers.

Even though you didn't agree, just the mere fact that you acknowledged what I said and replied to it, that made me want to cry so much. Somewhere deep inside, I felt I lost something so precious.

This is a decision that I made by myself under my own selfishness even though I said that I was doing it for you. That's really disgusting, isn't it? I'm trying to cover it so badly, my corrupted self. Even without her there, I bet I would have lost you somewhere along the way. We're going different ways, eventually. All meetings have partings; I think that's the saddest part about human relations.

I haven't forgotten you for a day.

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