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I feel the smoke of this day lay on me like a scorching hot steam…. My body feels sick from the shake of the day and I have no other way to rid the weight of my skin other than to just tear each individual piece off until I feel alive again. Or at least until I become that Good Samaritan every ones had been talking about. I’ve sat around absorbing myself in this constant pain and I have none other than myself to be mad at.
Honestly, I couldn’t answer the simplest question right now, I just couldn’t seem to get something so clear out of my mouth.
Because my mind hasn’t been clear in months….
And I think its about time I start to sort through this chaos and just hold on to what I know is right for me.
But you see the hard thing about all that is that I’m not exactly sure what good means anymore and what the right thing to do is.
I hurt. All I know is I hurt when I hurt him… and I hurt when I’m confused.
Its such a queer feeling, being distraught about confusion.
Being confused never seemed like a depressing thing, that is until people ask you questions that you know will hurt them if you don’t answer in the way they had expected or wanted.
Where are those people who answer with only the truth despite what really goes on.
Despite the dreadful arguments.
My conscience f***ing hates me right now.
And I feel that it's definitely not wrong for feeling that way.
I woke up this morning with a hangover and a smile on my face.
And now I’m sitting here typing up tears that I’ve held back all day.
Who needs to cry when you have words to just spill at any given moment.
Even when you know no one can listen.
This keyboard can.
Your thoughts can.
The walls understand ….
I’m in love.
Or am I.
No I am.
And he loves me back.
Is this all it’s made out to be. I mean really I cant even count on myself.
Can I count on him?
If he only knew what I did today.
If its that simple for me to hold no morals or boundaries. Why should it be so hard for him.
But I believe it is. Hes a good guy. He dosn't hurt people out of selfish need.
I made him a monster. My tamed, needy beast.
The one that melts in my hands when I run to him.
Pushing and screaming.
Because he knows what I can do to him.
He hates what I can do to him.
I kind of hate it too.
Because maybe if I knew he wouldn’t be around no matter how long I wait to turn around, maybe I would just stop turning around all together.
Then where would I be.
Standing here alone holding on to my friends again and these simple words I give this paper.
It's been those days that seem sunny as hell to be the ones I destroy with such an impure motive.
I know what I should be doing, so why don’t I just do it and leave it at that?
But I like to complicate things and make it hard for me to stand on my feet every day.
To sit there and preach the same speech that is no more true than the first, second, and third time I spoke it.
It holds no real emotion and who would be ok with just the motives in my head.
Just those simple I wanted and needed, this makes me feel and this makes me sad.
What am I some kind of selfish c*** squandering away whats left of the day as if I own it.
As if im aloud to sit and say "oh yeah woah is me by the way."
I hope you understand.
Don’t be mad that Ive cheated you, because I realy didn’t do it for the sake of cheating.
I did it to do what I want, how I want, and the way I want it.
I need alot to be satisfied and im still not happy.
I mean it's useless.
I can be so useless..
But he… he's still sitting there hoping one day ill just stop hurting him and create this great life hes always wanted.
But what if we're just both going nowhere fast.
And in the end we'll both wind up screwed over and go our separate ways.
And how do I tell the other man.
You know the one I run to, to get away from this life ive conjured up in the past couple of months.
This life that I just can't even taste anymore.
Am I just making him out to be this guy I just can't let go of because hes making promises I want to believe that can be kept.
But they wont be.
Because I don’t even know him
He won't let me open up one way or the other.
And it's not exactly great.
It's just a lame ass feeling that I need to test until I know im absolutely right.
So I should test this theory.
And I want to finally tell Him, that patient love of mine.
Hey im here. You know really here.
You can look at me in my eyes now.
I’m not lying to you anymore.
And I won’t ever again.
He'll be it.
I know he will.
So why do I test him and myself so much.
Its for the other boy the one who shows me the excitement of a different life.
A couple of good days with a perfect stranger vs a few good years with a best friend.
I LOVE him.