It is hard to write memories or past feelings unless you fully understand what you gave up or forgot about. Everything used to be so sharp so clear so trusting. Black and white with no exceptions. There were no personality types, moral obligations, sexual mistakes, violating your childhood by acting grown up or acting like an ape drunk. My eyes were clear and I saw what was handed to me and accepted it. The smell of the first car I rode in. In the winter my parents would lay a blanket down early in the morning while I was half asleep and a.m. radio would come on. We would drive to West Seattle one Sunday a month to visit a grandma that at the time I found boring and smelled funny. She had a collection of old candy that she would get on holidays and would give it to us every time we came to visit. Watching the mariners game on that old brown carpet used to feel like the end of the world when it came to bordem. Those big hallways waiting for the elevator. This place that I hated and dreaded so much is so sacred to me know and something I never thought I would miss. I used to imagine that I would get lost in the back of the chapel or hallways and find a secret passage. Everything is blurry now and less intense. I don’t want to remember you. I don’t know you anymore. You feel sad, you trust, you gave, you loved, you believed in what is called love, you believed in mermaids. I cannot be you anymore cant you see I have things I have to be careful with now I have a security to watch, a body to take care of, people to please, emotions to cover, stress to feel, money to make, and searching for a glimpse of what you held so tightly inside your hands. Your little hands. My little hands. That tight grip that I would come to know so well. The pain I would feel. The betrayal that I caused believing the fact that there wasn’t. I had nothing to lose and all the time in the world. Did I forget that I do or did I not care that I didn’t? I used to cope with Disney and stuffed animals, climbing trees, pretending, and movies. My now is other people, driving, cigarettes, home videos, and writing. Im not so stupid that I cant figure out what happened to me or what happiness is to everyone. But now is to decide which is better ignorance and trust or knowledge and strength. I get so confused between my two worlds that im starting to think neither or them are real but both things that can be explained. Everything chemical and natural human reactions that can be controlled and changed. Anything else I say could be tainted now that I have the truth stabbing and making me feel vulnerable.
September 30, 2008