Christmas

February 19, 2009
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is a bad day to be crying.

Today is a blur, and it only gets blurrier as it goes, like a watercolor dropped in the gutter. The water seeps slowly up the canvas, masking the picture in clouds as it goes, until there is nothing left but a framed mess of varying shades of brown.

I slept in this morning. I never sleep in on Christmas. I don?t remember what I got, but it was nothing in particular. I just stumbled downstairs, opened some wrapped boxes, and sat down on the floor in my empty living room. It is empty because we are moving. Not down the street like last time. Moving away. Everything that is not in a cardboard box already is going in today or is too big to fit and is already in the truck out front.

But I do not cry yet.

Later Mary Ann is at my door, and she is holding a plate full of cookies with messages written in icing, and smiling. We share them, and talk about Nevada which is where I am moving. I don?t know anything about Nevada. She can?t come in because she has to go home for lunch and her mom is waiting out front and she hopes I have a good time in Nevada. Like I am going there on vacation. I watch her walk away in silence an clench my jaw so hard it gives me a headache. It still trembles.

But I do not cry yet.

I call Kelsey because she is who I really want to talk to. She says that Mary Ann is at her house, but can they both come over in a few hours if I don?t mind. I say I don?t. But mostly I am wondering why Mary Ann told me she had to eat lunch at her house.

When they get here I don?t bring it up. I just keep clenching my jaw and telling them that I am okay and that it is really no big deal. But they keep asking and eventually I say I don?t want to talk about it.

And somehow I am sitting on the floor again, and Mary Ann and Kelsey are with me and it is dark because we are in the closet. This seems like a weird place to be sitting but actually it is quite nice because my parents are not around and the atmosphere is what my mom would call ?intimate.? I want very much to be close to Kelsey but I am scared and my legs don?t move.

Instead we find some markers and Mary Ann and Kelsey start writing all over the inside of my closet about how they will miss me and they are jealous of the kids in Reno. It is very nice of them but at the same time it makes me mad because the house is not really mine anymore, but because I am so angry at my parents and I am scared of Kelsey, I do not say anything. I bet whoever lives here next never sits in this closet anyway.

Now it is late and Kelsey and Mary Ann have to leave. I am feeling good because it is fun to draw all over your own walls and not care. Suddenly Mary Ann has already walked out the door and I am standing alone and facing Kelsey and I feel very hot. I don?t know what to do. I want to reach out, but I can?t. I want to say something, but I can?t think of what to say. I want to kiss her, but I can?t. I just can?t do it. She just smiles and says goodbye and walks away. And I am leaving tomorrow morning.
Now I cry.





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