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To my father

Dear Father,
On days when nothing seems right or just at random times, you creep into my mind. I wonder what you are like. How does you hair look? Do my eyes reflect yours? Most of all, I wonder if you remember I exist, and if you do, if you ever think of me...I'm lucky, in a way I guess, that you chose not to stay and then later leave.Because I know I would have blamed myself for your leaving.

-Maybe if I didn't argue with my brother or if I did as I was told...Maybe if I was prettier, smarter, better or something you would have stayed-

But you never gave me the chance to prove that I was a good daughter, that I was...that I was good enough to love.It could have made a difference if you saw me. Maybe you would have stayed. I know it wasn't my fault, and I know I wasn't even born at the time you left, but still, somehow deep down, hidden even from myself most of the time, there's a tiny part of me that screams it was my fault. Some part of me points the finger back at me. And the sad thing is I can not even say that I want to see you.On many levels, I hate you too much.I hate you for being the reason why I have trust issues; for creating a void within me; for why I feel so alone; for why I'm the way I am.Even so, I can't help but ask myself if that makes me a bad person.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I knew you, if I had you in my life.I think I would be happier.Even if you weren't that great of a father, at least I'd have a father. But I don't, and it's pointless to imagine you're here when you'll never be here. Was I so much of a burden that you had to abandon me? I was a child who needed her father.Who needed to know what a father's love felt like, but now I never will because of your selfish actions.You got to walk In between the rain drops while it all poured down on me. And now I can't help thinking, I love someone I'll never forgive.I miss someone I'll never meet.I hate someone I'll never know.
Your daughter





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