Breathe in, breathe out, I commanded myself as I waited for my phone to magically call for me. This was going to be the first conversation ever over the phone. My heart was hammering against my chest making it harder to breathe. My palms were sweating so badly I could barely hold the phone. Even though it was only early in the morning I was wide awake. I could feel my lungs expanding with each sharp inhale. The blood flowing smoothly through my veins seemed to move my whole body. I lay there ignoring the blazing red numbers announcing the time trying to go back to sleep. I force myself to make my heart calm down and regain control over my breathing. Cautiously sitting up so my body wouldn’t spazz out and go in to shock, I stood up just, waiting for my knees to give out on me. To my surprise I remained up right with both feet planted on the ground. Moving them slowly, left then right then left, I made it to my bathroom. I slowly glanced in the mirror running my fingers through my hair self-consciously. I couldn’t help, but feel like a mess this early in the morning. Even though I wouldn’t be seen I was still freaking out about my appearance. My mind was telling me how ridiculous this was and yet my actions led me to believe other wise. I took a quick shower with a million thoughts racing in and out of my mind. The one that came to me most was, "what in the world we were going to talk about?" Being a loser, I had written down a few things just in case, because I was trying to avoid those weird awkward silences. That morning I must’ve brushed my teeth over three times, my dentist would have been thrilled about this, and it was concerning me. Everything was going to go smoothly. This was a person who I’ve known for some time now. As I ran the brush through my hair I stared at my worried reflection in the mirror. Hard as I was trying I couldn’t keep the worry off my face. It was a really good thing that this wasn’t going to be face to face, because I’d probably send the wrong message with my facial expressions. At the thought of that, I shuddered to shake the thought from my mind. It was still way too early to call when I returned to my room, even after all my carefully wasted time. Just like any other day when I’m stressing I started to clean my room and turned on some of my favorite music. The music was like therapy for me just like cleaning my room was. Making a big pile in the center of my floor I started to shift through my CD collection to get them all organized. This task would have normally bugged the hell out of me, but today it helped me to pass the remaining hours. My next feat after that was to clean up my desk and all the other drawers in my room. Mostly I just shifted notebooks around cursing myself for waking up so early. Honestly I wasn’t really mad, because I knew I wouldn’t sleep well as always when I get anxious. And this was the most anxiety I’d felt so far in my youthful years. As excited as I was my anxiety definitely overwhelmed that emotion into hiding. The red blazing numbers caught my attention telling me it was almost time. I kept working on my room constantly moving my eyes to my phone, the clock and back to my work. Getting all worked up again I could feel my pulse quicken and my breathing becoming shallow. Only ten minutes left until it was show time. I got up to pace around a little trying to control my thoughts and get them all normal and unscrambled. Breathe in, breathe out I commanded my lungs to start functioning again. Slipping back into my bed I sought the safety of my sheets. I turned on my phone watching mesmerized as it slowly sprang to life. With trembling fingers I punched in the ten digit phone number and hit send. Holding my breathe as I brought the phone to my ear, not really certain if I was ready for this. I contemplated hanging up probably a million times. Each ring sounded like an alarm bell blasting in my ear. Before I could move to hang up I heard the sweetest voice in the world. It was the voice that I had longed for and dreamed about so many times before. That one little word sent a million tingles all over my body. “Hello.” It was so sweet and simple that it amazed me. I could just hear the excitement in the voice. Immediately my heart beat normally again, my breathing returned, and I relaxed. Everything felt so right in that moment, like nothing else mattered. We talked for hours after that feeling completely at ease with each other. I couldn’t believe I got so worked up about this phone call. I knew deep down that everything was going to go okay, but I was just so anxious I blew it up. But I will forever cherish that morning phone call with the one I love.
January 22, 2009