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Granny and Poopsie This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.


   My family is chock-full of fall-out-of-your-seat funny,old Jewish women. My relatives have gotten into situations that would beat thewacky events on "Seinfeld" hands down. These scenarios simply could nothappen to anyone else. Their stories have become legends and are often retold,and embellished, at family reunions. Here's one I have heard so many times it'sbecome engraved in my family's memories. It involves my granny and cousinPoopsie.

Now, you might ask how someone gets a name like Poopsie. Thetruth is: I don't know. Nobody does. Regardless, Granny and Poopsie are infamousfor causing mayhem and laughter whenever they are together, whether saving aFifth Avenue jewelry store from robbers or throwing immense kosher weddings wherenephews crawl into the wedding cake. These are two old ladies with a lot ofspunk.

A few years ago, Granny and Poopsie were off to a big wedding onthe Lower East Side of New York City. Both were known for their paranoiaconcerning punctuality and, since neither drove, they hired a car service todrive them. The driver arrived, and both women climbed into the vehicle,adjusting their dresses and fixing their hair. The driver had been told theirdestination beforehand, but Granny repeated it, right down to specific turns attraffic lights because, as she always says, "You just can't be toocareful."

So, the car took off with Granny and Poopsie. All of asudden, the driver darted up two streets, and then dashed four streets in theopposite direction. Granny and Poopsie grew, as they say, mildly concerned("absolutely panic-stricken" is the term relatives are more likely touse). Both started screaming frantically at the driver, shouting that he wasgoing the wrong way. They would not be on time if he continued in this directionand, growing more and more upset, screamed at each other about what Murray andAdele would think if they were late.

The driver completely ignored them.Poopsie, the bolder of the two, had had enough, and proceeded to smack the driverrepeatedly on the head with her purse. Just as they nearly forced the man todrive off the road, they heard police sirens blaring from everydirection.

The driver tried desperately to regain control of the car,despite Granny and Poopsie's screams, and evade the sirens. The sirens, however,continued to get closer and closer until Granny and Poopsie realized the twodozen police cars were coming directly at them. The driver tried to turn the cararound to avoid the NYPD, but to no avail. The car was completely surrounded bypolice with guns aimed at it.

It turns out that Granny and Poopsie'sdriver was a fugitive wanted for murder in five states. Little did the fugitiveknow, though, what he was getting into when he agreed to take Granny and Poopsieto the wedding. He is now serving 25-to-life at a maximum-security prison. He hadavoided the police for weeks, but he couldn't avoid Granny and Poopsie, twounflappable senior citizens determined to be punctual for their cousin's wedding.This is just one tale of how Granny and Poopsie again, though accidentally,brought criminals to justice.

So, if you see two older women in Manhattanwalking around with a hop in their step, it just might be Granny and Poopsie,modern-day heroines, whose stories will entertain our family for generations tocome.




This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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