Welcome to the most comprehensive and innovative tutorial on becoming a member of a high school band! We promise immediate success if any student follows all of these tips, and absolutely risk free!* This method has been tested by some of the top professionals in the high school band field, and all of them have found it not only effective and satisfying, but surprisingly simple! Enjoy!

*A number of our test subjects sustained various non-lethal baton-induced injuries.
 

Don't Watch Your Conductor. Never follow your conductor's tempo! Also, don't play dynamics. It's always best to pretend you can play the hard parts even when you can't. Just play really, really quietly. 

Don't Learn Your Music. Procrastinate to the last possible second before kind of learning it. Repress those feelings of guilt and anxiety. Hiding your sheet music or your instrument is also acceptable.

Don't Practice. Ever.

Pretend You Know How to Tune. We recommend asking yourself the following questions during group tunings:
Am I sharp?
Am I flat?
Do I know how to fix it?
Am I even playing the right note?
If you answered ‘I have no freaking idea’ to most or all of these questions, then you’re doing it right! You can stop playing now. Nod appreciatively at your instrument, as if you’re pleased with your tuning work, just in case your band teacher is looking at you.

Don't Learn Your Scales. They’re bad for you. It's science. I would know, because I am a professional scientist. 

Distract Your Band Teacher During Lessons. Ask intimate and creepy questions about his/her personal life, such as;
“What’s your blood type?”
“How many pillows do you sleep with?”
“What’s your credit card number?”
“Where do you live?

Aquire a Phobia of Your Solo. Practice literally anything else. Also, play your friends’ solos, or practice your own on a different instrument. Accidentally-on-purpose lose it. Maybe have a sacrificial burning party? 

Makes Forts. Making bunkers out of stands and chairs is critically important practice for the zombie apocalypse. Build them all the time, in the most inconvenient places, like right outside your teacher’s office. Make sure you crown yourself king/queen of the band room, and have things to throw at people.

Use Your Instruments As Anything But Instruments. What’s the point of practicing flute when you can use it as a bludgeon to hit people with? Also, wear tambourines as hats.

Organize Sing-Alongs On Bus Rides. Any music will do. Excerpts from your piece, Broadway musicals, TV show themesongs, even extremely annoying and catchy children's music, like 'This is the Song That Never Ends'.

Steal Your Conductor’s Stuff And Put It Somewhere Else. Especially their baton and their music score. Extra points if you do it during class.

Have Secret Meetings In The Practice Rooms. Turn off the lights and hide on the floor if your conductor walks by. Don’t worry, they can’t see you. 

Vandalize. Drawing on the whiteboard is the prime opportunity to show off your creativity. Be sure to doodle on you music and the stands, too. Also, printing out and taping pictures of Shrek’s face to everything is 100% sure to get you noticed. Especially when it's discovered that you’ve made your band teacher's computer background a screenshot of Shrek's left ear.

Hide The Broken Stands. Nobody likes them anyway! Time to stick them in lockers or closets or underneath the piano! Put yucky face stickers on them, just to get the message across.

Hide Yourselves. If your teacher ever leaves the room, this is their signal that you are to get everyone to turn off the lights and hide in the practice rooms. We promise, they will never know where you're hiding.

Organize Protests to Go Outside. During warm-ups, distract your band teacher in their office. Have the rest of the band move their chairs and stands outside.

And last, but not least:

Play Heart and Soul on the Piano. Everyday.