the files off stupidity

January 9, 2009
By derek sanchez, San Diego, CA

“Beep, beep, beep,” I looked up at my computer monitor to notice an alert flashing. Reading the flashing message confirmed my suspicion; some kind of monstrous entity had been awakened. I decided to go tell every one that we might have to go fight something. All the alert said was that there was some kind of monster, but it didn’t say what kind. So I ran a detail scan program, the file was more specific; it described the monster as a neo-shadow, fused with an insect. Great, I thought, why should I get any time off. After printing out copies of the file, I strolled down the long hallway of our subterranean secret base to the door labeled “prep room.” I fumbled around until I found the intercom button, and switched to announce. Over the intercom my voice sounded drearier than usual, “get down to the prep room for briefing….. And possibly snacks.”

When everyone was more or less assembled, I distributed the file printouts of this “monster” thing. Aside from the assorted chit-chat, Bob was the first one to speak up, “so, what’s the matter this time, Derek, did you mix up your lance and spear again!?” I turned and gave him a cold stare.

“Well, there’s a rampaging neo-monster down in Midnight City,” I told him, “That might be important.” He seemed satisfied, so I continued, “this insect type thing has the potential to be very dangerous because it is a hybrid, a fusion between an ancient creature and a bug……… I hate bugs.”

“So a bug, huh,” Josh suddenly interjected, “that doesn’t sound too dangerous, unless it decides to spit acid or eat us!” I could tell he was trying to make a joke, but this was serious business, well kind of. Bob and Ron were getting impatient, and they almost got into a fist fight, I decided that it was time for action.

Right as I was leaving the room, an arrow zoomed by my head. “Sorry, they made me angry.” It was Angel, I turned to see Bob, Ron, and Josh all pinned to the wall by multiple arrows. “Uhhhh, nice work, but save it for the monster, okay.” He nodded and I left to grab some equipment. In the back storage room I grabbed a spare lance and a couple of freeze grenades in case of an ambush. When I came back to the prep room, everyone was off the wall, thank goodness, but they were still arguing. “ENOUGH” I yelled, trying to get their attention, “I don’t care what you guys are fighting about but it needs to stop now!!!” I think it worked, because everyone set their weapons down and put out the fires, literally.

“Oh, hey Derek,” Josh said calmly as he inspected the now charred prep room, “I was just, uh, telling the guys how much they need to focus and….”

“Holy crap, you’re on fire!!!!”

“Oh my god!!” Josh immediately dropped to the floor and started rolling like a madman. “Put it out, put it out!!” Angel obliged him and waved his hand so that a splash of water washed over the flames. “You know what,” my tone was obviously annoyed, “I think I’ll handle this whole ‘monster situation’ myself!”

Ron suddenly looked confused, “let me see that file,” he said as he snatched the printout off the smoldering table, “a-ha! It says here that this ‘monster was detected and defeated 2 months ago….. by us!!!!”

“Are you kidding?!” Josh got up from the floor soaking wet and stared at Ron intently. “Are you joking, seriously?”

“Ummmmmmmm…….. no.”

“Shut up, you guys, I’m on the phone with Chris,” I told them, “uh-huh, yeah, really? Alright then, I’ll tell them, bye. OK people, Chris said that he and Alan defeated that thing last weekend.”

Then Angel said out of nowhere “so there’s not going to be any snacks?”

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