Talking To Myself

December 18, 2008
Hey? Yes? Why are you writing in blue ink? Because it's the favorite color of the boy I'm in love with. Oh, who are you in love with? Self, you should know. It's my heart's fault I'm in love with him. Well, I suppose you're right. Is it the tall boy with the long brown hair and blue eyes?! Um... I think a part of me will always love him because he was the first boy I fell in love with, but no, it's someone else. Oh, is it the beautiful one that makes us feel at home? Please say it's him! I just know he loves you back! Yes, Self, I am in love with the boy in the military with the blue eyes and the smile a hundred feet wide and the ugly car that I'd love to be in right now with him. Yay! Heart and Soul and I like that boy. Do you think he's THE ONE?! Yes, I honestly do. I can see it, the two of us waking up next to each other and riding in his car, laughing and smiling and talking like the first day together. But if you see all that then why aren't you two together now? It's not God's plan for us to be together right now, I guess. So what are you going to do then? I'm going to keep praying and believing and dreaming and saying that that beautiful boy and I are going to be together. But when Eyes read the text message and Ears heard him yell at you that night, he said you'd never be more than friends again. I know that, Self. So then why do you still believe that you're right, even when he told you you're wrong? Because he told me I have hazel eyes. So? He's the only one who sees the real color, not just brown or how big they are. And he called me "baby." So? So? Are you kidding me, Self. No, why is it so special that he called you that? Lots of guys call you "baby" and you hate it. It's special when he does it. The way he doesn't just text it, but he actually says it out loud like he really means I'm his baby and he values and cherishes me... Hey, you? Yes, self? I think you might be a little crazy. Yeah, I think so, too. But it's a good kind of crazy. They call that passionate. Are you passionate about the boy with the blue eyes? Yes, 100% passionate. Then you know what? No, Self, what? Then you must be in love, and he must be the one. I don't need to be convinced of that; he does. Well, what are you gonna do now? The same thing that caused him to break up with his girlfriend. What's that? Be fearless and believe in fairy tales and Prince Charming and happily ever after and Romeo and Juliet and keep praying every day even when everyone rolls their eyes at me in disbelief. Hmm... you're pretty determined and serious about believing, aren't you? Well, that's because I'm serious about him. He said he didn't want another girlfriend for a while. He's lying. How do you know that? Because I always know what he's thinking. What's he thinking right now, then? He's thinking he hates his job and he wants it to be July so he can leave because he's bored of his life and he doesn't know what to do about me and he's not liking the way things are right now. He still has a crush on you doesn't he? Yeah, I think so. He doesn't want to but he can't just turn it off like he wants to. Is that why he keeps coming back? Yep. Because he loves you, but doesn't know what to do about it? Yep. Why are you sad then? Why does Mama keep yelling at you for crying over him? Because she doesn't understand that true love at fifteen hurts in the most beautiful kind of way ever. I'm not sad because of him necessarily; I'm sad for him. Why are you sad for him? Because he won't believe. Why won't he? Because he has no reason to believe. He's broken. With you he didn't seem broken. That's because I made him believe. How did you do that? By showing him it isn't scary. How did you do that? By teaching him how to fall in love with the right girl on a sidewalk like in books and poems and fairy tales. So what happened then? Why did he get scared? Because the believing isn't scary, it's just hard, but the loving is scary. So how do you do it then, the loving? Because I told you, I'm fearless. How so? Because even though I'm scared to death, I keep loving him and believing God wants us together anyway. Is that what being fearless is? To me it is. To him it's different. What does he think it is? He thinks fearless is being tough, not backing down, and going into the National Guard. Do you agree with him? Yes, that's fearless, too, but I think he needs a little more of my kind of fearless. Do you have a plan for that? I have God's plan for that. But I have a few things to tell that boy, too. Oooh! Like what?! Like I'm going to keep reminding him of the days we were falling in love and not scared of it. I thought you said he was scared, like the whole time, and that's why he ran away. No, he wasn't scared until people told him to believe when they told him it was wrong to love me. What do you think he belives now? Now...? Now, I think he believes that he'll be ok on his on and that he doesn't know who he's mean to be with forever yet. Do you think he's right? Not at all. Why not? I'm sure he'd like to have some time to himself, but that won't last long. He gets lonely too quickly. And right now, he's just jaded because that girl left him again, but he knows that he and I work well together. He wants to be in love with her because if his life followed the Hollywood movie pattern, then she should be the highschool sweetheart he marries, but he knows they are poison together. But what does he think about you? He thinks what people tell him. That I'm too young. Are you? Probably, but when we're together it's like nothing else matters. So why won't he love you back then? Because a part of him still wants to love her because it's what makes sense. It doesn't make sense to me. Me either, really... Do you think he loves you? Even a little? I think he will someday. He doesn't want to love anyone right now. He's mad at Love. But for certain he likes me. How do you know that? Because I like him and he and I are the same person and I'm talking to myself.

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