Nobody will ever understand nor will they comprehend...the world so small, yet so complex. To me it is nothing but a dangerous time bomb ready to explode. Life, so short, yet so long...it is almost to infinity. I am going nowhere, time is moving but I am standing still like a statue, a stone-cold statue. At first it seemed hopeless, now it seems helpless. I am drowning in a sea of sorrow, water fills my mouth. I am choking slowly fading away into the mist. I feel doomed and isolated. My family tries to break through, my mom and dad, but it’s like breaking through ice. They see a reflection of me, in the murky sea water. If I was different, and how much happier things would be. From the beginning I was lost in a desert of recklessness but that desert has soon yet to become an oasis. A flower, struggling to bloom, the sun refusing to shine. This is how I felt. Deep inside, I know none of them. All my friends, family and acquaintances will never understand what I go through, my fears, feelings and dread. I am scared and frightened. It is all so confusing. Some describe it as being part of a maze. Others cannot even explain it because they do not care nor do they give a damn about what I have or this strange disease that has infected me like a bad cold that never fades. Everyone thinks they are helping while they are only making it worse...until they push it too far and I crack open like an egg. I feel like I just sprung a leak like a rusted pipe. People, they trap me in a cage without a key. “It’s so easy”...they say, he has it easy...his life must be so “easy”. Monsters, disgusting, despicable makes me want to throw up. My head, it is shrinking to the size of a tangerine...it hurts. Popularity, has nothing and is nothing. To me it is as blank as a black hole sucking me in deeper, deeper... I do my best, yet it doesn’t make a difference, everyone says no it doesn’t make a difference what you do, “try harder”. But let’s face it, no one can save me, they can try and try until I am dead. Never will they know what it is like to be ME. This is how it will stay...Forever.
December 30, 2008