Legend says man learns from his mistakes. That’s not always true. Childhood wires us, an unchangeable event. Despite our best attempted, only the strongest of souls can alter it. A soul that I fail to obtain.
My tale digs deep into my roots; those guarded by the strongest of will. To tap it is forever easy. To say I control, that would be a lie. Yet to fully comprehend, one must start from the basics. And thus I shall:

As a child I was full of bliss for everything in life. At school I was careless, always passing my classes and not even noticing. Come recess I’d show off as an acrobat, a gene I have my father to thank for. I made friends easily, especially girls. Being as I was, it was natural for my parents to put me into a day care after school and during the summer.

Unfortunately, that’s where I met her.

Palm Valley. I had joy out of my mind. Imagination flowed endlessly out of me. A smile greeted everyone. So young that I had no hate. We snuck away to buy Gatorade. Weren’t allowed. Yet that never stopped us. One day a guy came as a speaker. He took all of us into a small room and turned off the lights. By now, her and I were close friends. Naturally, we sat next to each other in the back outer layer. The speaker showed us the symbols in the stars. What a snooze fest.

So there I was, bored out of my mind, when I feel a small peck on my cheek. A kiss. I looked over towards her to find her smiling at me. No way was I to be out done. So I smiled back and went back to watching the laser pointer show the symbol. Yet my eye never left her. When I decided she wasn’t paying attention, I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek then swiftly looked away as if nothing happened. This little game went on for a while.

And then, poof, she was gone.

Sadly I never forgot her. Life went on as normal. Years passed, friends made and lost, and grades under my belt. She never entered my mind. The past wasn’t one worth reflecting on. I lived in the here and now. But my mind wouldn’t let me forget. I remember it as if it was yesterday:

Two years and my memories still clung to her. I was upstairs, sitting alone in a chair. I wasn’t tired at all, yet my mind sent me into a trance. My mental film wheel entered rewind. Yet all those years faded its film. Her figure appeared, but with no name or color. Just a lonely shadow. Although I didn’t know her, just the sense she was with me sent warmth through my soul and peace in my spirit.

The trance ended as if nothing happened. Her shadow still haunted me. I knew I needed to find out who she was. My memory franticly searched, but no results came. I finally gave up wondering, but her presence still hanged in the darkness.

With no contact outside of school, my life mostly resided on the internet. The majority of people I called friends were online only. That’s also where I found a powerful love. I was young then, about eleven or twelve, when it happened. My heart was set into text, and I was bond to it. I loved someone I had never seen, but knew who they were on the inside. When she told me she wasn’t coming on the chat site anymore, my heart was crushed. That sent me into a void of darkness.

Love died in my mind. Knew none of it. Yet life continued as was. In my elementary years love meant nothing, so the change wasn’t much. My pain changed me. Altered my mind drastically. I became darker, more gothic. My views altered, still innocent but always protected. And my strength sharpened. This whole alteration came to be in sixth grade.

Ironically that’s where I met her…Again. During my darkest of times. Years of not knowing who she was or her name, the moment I saw her I knew everything. The memories came back to life, the film renewed, and every question answered. The impact of such knowledge actually hurt, like a thousand lightning bolts on my heart all at once. I was speechless. When my friend told me who she was, all I could force out was “I know.” Those two simple words tied her and my strings back together. Little did I know that the tie was also to my soul.

Having found her once again, I lost it. Joy overran me and actually corrupted my mind. Like finding a part of you that you lost, I too have found myself. I was always with her when I could be. I constantly sat with her at lunch and came to her locker after school to walk her to the bus. I told my friend all about her, and our history. He constantly told me to ask her out. So I sent out some signs, and eventually asked if she had a boyfriend. She said no and I just left it at that. One day when walking with her to the bus, she lagged behind to talk to her friend. I had a sense she was talking about me. When I heard the giggle, I decided I wasn’t no puppet.

So I boycotted her. At least, my mind. My heart knew it wanted her. And I did too. After avoiding her so long, my heart overran my mind. It bronzed her. Made her a god, and me an unworthy adversary. It had no reason to. She was still herself, kind and attentive. If I ever spoke to her, she listened. At times she’d come and talk to me. She was always caring. Never a harsh action.
Come the last dance, I saw her. She was with her friends, and I was too shy to approach her with them around. Yet I always watched. I lingered in the shadows. Kept to myself. Come the end of the dance, I left as normal. As I reached the strait away to the six-hundred wing a girl ran up next to me. Tiffany; her best friend. She asked if I had a crush on her friend. I did. But the pressure of all this became overbearing. I snapped, asking what it meant to her.

As the year ended, so did the boundaries. A boundary change was announced, and she got transferred to a different school. Seventh grade went on as normal. Love wasn’t a word in my vocabulary. I focused on friends and my grades. I made friends, and for the most part kept them.

Eighth grade it all changed. Love became a word. And it started out perfectly. I had two friends, both who were very close to me and best friends with each other. When it came to love, and being shy as I was, any of my wishes was granted. Being how I was, wishes were small and inoffensive. A simple hug, and love became real. Recognition, and I felt included. Just the fact that someone realized I was there made me feel happy. Emotionally wise, I skimmed by eighth grade with no problems. Yet with all gain comes loss.

Ninth Grade: The Depression. The year I found out just exactly what happened. Love was reborn just months before the start of Verrado. What actually happened in sixth grade slowly leaked into my memory. The facts were revealed. My happiness disintegrated. I desperately made connections. Someone to base my studies around. I made a connection, and the questions came. I made a mental note of my actions; first acting on impulse then decoding it at night. A virus, the questions multiplied out of my control. With every question answered, more took its place.

Chicago 2007. One question beckoned me. What am I missing? And I was destined to find out. My last week in Chicago I spent my nights studying this question. I learned from that research. I planned on remembering it. Yet the more I read, the more I saw that what I read applied to her. Even with this shock I pressed on. It wasn’t until I read about the scout did it really hit me. Every sign was there. Yet I missed all of them. I knew I messed up.

For the last few days I was in Tennessee to visit a friend. We decided to go up to a Mississippi casino for the night. That night I thought of her. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop. Were I should be asleep; my mind was keeping me awake. All my facts, my data, and my past crashed down on me at once. My thoughts became deeper and deeper, until finally it corroded me to the point I felt ill. I knew I was destroying myself. I forced myself to go to sleep.

Tenth Grade: The Resistance. Time to fight back. Years of being shy just isn’t working for me. Now that I found out how naive I was, I vowed to fix that. I lost her. I have come to grips with that. But that shouldn’t stop me. Persistence is the key. Although I made a promise to myself, I have already broken that promise. I can’t change my wires. Despite my best attempt, I fail. But I can use them. Knowledge is power. And I know my roots. It’s a work in progress, but it shall always be my top priority.

The Results? Huh. Emotions. Shut down that is. Until recently, even thinking of her destroyed me emotionally. I’m lucky to have people to talk to. No, not talk, to listen. Sometimes I just need to tell someone. Luckily I have my friends, those few that are loyal to me. They are what keeps me sane. What keeps me living.

I often think of her. Every time I think of my past, I notice the signs I missed. Every detail sharpens in my memory. And I become even more depressed, because I see how this was a story book love. A book I unsuccessful read at the time. Now, three years later, I’m rereading the book. I see what I missed. Where I was blind, it is now clear. Not a day goes by I don’t remind myself of my biggest mistake. My dark little regret.

I know she is gone. But I have lost her before. Twice to be exact. So even though I am sad that I don’t have her in my life now, there’s also a slight hope I could possibly see her once more. And, if for some odd reason I do see her, I want to be her friend. Maybe I could finally tell her what I so foolishly failed to say in sixth grade. Maybe then my restless soul can finally be at peace.
Maybe.











~Kat~