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The afternoon of Friday, August 29, had finally arrived. This was the day I was dreading for the past year. As I watched him drive away to college, agony filled my heart. Then I remembered the words he left me with, “I love you baby always. I’ll see you in a week. Everything will be okay, I promise.” I believed him, and all my doubts were gone. It was only sixty miles away. Little did I know that these sixty short miles would break up a love that I thought could go through anything.
As expected, the first weekend was rough, but we talked about ways to make sure our relationship would stay strong. On Thursday night, we talked for an hour about how much we meant to each other. We poured our hearts out. He told me, “We are doing great. You don’t need to worry about a thing, I promise.” I believed him, and all my doubts were gone.
Friday passed and Saturday came. His first LSU game and college tailgate. He was so excited I could not help but feel sad that I would not experience this with him. We talked for three minutes early that morning to say a quick “I love you.” Then, I let him go have an experience he would never forget. Once the tailgating and game festivities were over, I texted him, “You having fun? I love you. Call me when you can.” No response. The day went on with still no response or call. I called him. No answer. I reassured myself by thinking that his phone must be dead. The night came, and still no answer or call. As I was lying down to go to sleep, I texted him one last time, “Can you call?” He finally responded, “No I am in the room with people sleeping.” Though I found it strange that he would not have called before, I blew the thought off. I told him I would talk to him in the morning and that I loved him. No response. My heart begun to break, but I decided to sleep it off. Everything will be okay, he had promised.
As soon as I woke up Sunday morning I texted him, “Good morning! I love you!” I immediately received a message back, “I love you too.” Relief filled my heart. Everything was okay. However, I did not hear from him for the rest of the day. No calls. No texts. No responses. I knew something was wrong. After a few nagging texts, he finally called me. The moment of truth. He started the conversation off speaking softly. He told me how much he still loved me and missed me, but he just needed a break. Why? How long? Was there someone else? He told me that college was so much different than he thought. He told me he still and would always love me, but he needed some space. He wanted to be single again. His reasons for needing this break changed many times, leaving me hurt and confused. We decided we would talk in a week to see how things were going and make sure he really wanted to do this. I reluctantly agreed.
I cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying. I cried to my friends. I cried to my family. I cried and cried and cried.
I had begun to feel stronger after two days of wallowing. “I can get through this,” I told myself. Everything will be okay, I promised myself.
I woke up Wednesday morning to the sound of his ring tone coming from my phone. He called to tell me he just passed my house to see if we had damage from Hurricane Gustav. My heart fluttered at the sound of his voice. I thanked him, and we hung up. About ten minutes after hanging up, I received a text from him, “I miss you Kelly.” My heart instantly filled with hope. He missed me and everything would soon be okay.
Thursday came. I was starting to become happier and back to my normal self. “There is still hope for our relationship,” I told myself. As I helped my best friend pack for our trip to Baton Rouge on Friday, she gave me a look of worry. I knew it meant bad news. I knew it was about him. Hoping she would not say the words that were planted in my head, I told her I need to hear what she had to say right now. She took a deep breath and said, “Kelly, Chris cheated on you Friday.”
I dropped to the floor. Those three words hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears streamed down my face. When? Why? Who? Where? I instantly picked up the phone and dialed his number. He answered innocently, “Hello.”
“Do you have something to tell me?” I asked.
“Are you sure, I’m giving you a chance to tell me something yourself.”
“I’ll call you back later.”
Anger filled my heart. How could the person who told me he loved me deliberately rip my heart out and tear it into a million pieces? After a year together, temptation finally won.
My friends tried to comfort me as I cried hysterically. Even to their best efforts, they could not relieve my pain. No words could ever make me feel better.
As planned, my friends and I took a weekend trip to Baton Rouge to visit our college friends. As we settled into our friends’ dorms, my best friend, Troy, called me. He notified me that Chris was planning on having a big party that night for all of our friends. I remained calm. I told myself that I could do this; I could face him. Deciding to not cause anymore drama, I told Troy I am fine with going to Chris’s condo. He thanked me over and over again and reassured me that it would not be awkward: everything would be okay, he promised. As we drove down Brightside to the Lake Beau Pre subdivision, my heart began to race. “I can do this,” I told myself. Everything would be okay. As we pulled up to the house everyone became anxious. Our car, full of girls, walked into the house as if we owned the place. I shook a little at the sight of him. I fell in love all over again. As we entered the house there was an uneasy feeling in the air. Though everyone acted normal, everyone was watching our move. We did not make eye contact. We did not speak one word. We did nothing. A year together and an outsider would think we did not even know each other. As it got late, we decided to head back to our friend’s house. As I made my rounds to tell everyone at the party bye, I decided to be the stronger person and tell him thank you for having us over. My heart raced as I walked up to him. I said my line as planned - thanks for having us over. I tried my hardest not to show the pain I was in. As we went to hug bye, he whispered in my ear, “I still love you and am so sorry.” I froze, gazed into his eyes, and walked away. The only thing I knew to do at that moment. As soon as we returned to the house, I felt sick to my stomach. As I lay on the bathroom floor, I bawled to my best friends sitting in there with me. My eyes felt swollen and tired from all the crying. I decided to lye in one of my best friends arms, close my eyes, and relax myself. When I eventually opened my eyes, I looked up to thank my friend for staying in the bathroom with me. As I looked up I realized it was no longer one of best friends holding me; it was Chris. I thought I was dreaming. Instantly, as if someone had flipped a switch, water began to pour out my eyes. I sobbed harder and harder as he held me in his arms. I could not control myself and began to hyperventilate. Chris picked me up off the bathroom floor and offered to let me sleep in his brother’s bed. Not able to comprehend what was going on, I allowed him to carry me out. Everyone sitting in the living room began to panic. Where was he taking me? What was going to happen? Did I agree to this?
As Chris carried me out, both of our best friends tried to stop him from taking me. He assured everyone we were not leaving, but that we were going to the car to talk. As soon as the car doors slam shut, we both broke down. Tears I never knew I had begun to fall, and tears I never knew he could cry had begun to fall down his face. Over and over again he apologized. He told me he still loved me. He admitted to making a mistake. He said he would do anything to go back to that night and make everything go back to normal. All his words I believed. I considered taking him back. In my heart I knew how sorry he was for cheating on me. His tears made me forget the pain he had put me through; all I wanted now was to help ease his pain. We talked for hours that night. We talked about him. We talked about me. We talked about us. We talked about everything. We cried every last tear we could cry. Naively, I believed every word that came out of his mouth. The night turned into morning, and we decided we needed to part ways and think about everything. Though still upset, hope filled my heart. Everything was going to be okay; I promised myself. The next day we agreed to continue our talk. As I arrived at his condo, I began to feel nervous again. A good nervous today though. I was relieved and overcome with joy to know how much he still loved me and how much he wanted me back. As we started to talk again, tears streamed down both of our faces. After an hour of spilling our hearts out, he told me,
“I don’t want a relationship with you, Kelly.”
My heart broke…again.
“You lied to me again” I yelled, “You told me you loved me. You told me you wanted me in your life again.”
“I will always have a love for you; I just don’t want to be in a relationship with you. I don’t want to have to worry about calling you. I don’t want you,” he tells me, not able to look into my eyes. “This is hurting me as much as it’s hurting you,” he tries to tell me.
I could no longer listen to the words he had to say to me. My life had become a lie inside of another lie inside of another lie. As I looked into his eyes, my heart filled with hatred and love at the same time. I wondered how this could be happening to me. This boy who I loved with everything, the boy who I could trust with all my heart, the boy I turned to for everything, the boy who made me the person I am today is looking in my eyes and telling me he did not need me in his life like I needed him in mine. My world was shattered again. It was really over now. No more lies, no more hope, it was over. As I sat in shock on his bed, I wondered if I would ever be able to love again. Would this experience scare me away from love for the rest of my life I got up to leave because I could not bear being next to him for it hurt too much. I said my final goodbye, “Chris, I will always love you and hope one day I can at least have my best friend back, but for now I can not talk to you. I need to let go of you like you have let go of me.” He looked into my eyes and said, “I will always love you too, Kelly. You were my first love I will never forget that. And I hope one day we can be friends too.” I gave him one last hug and begun walking towards the door. As I reached for the door handle, he asked, “Are you going to be okay?” I held my head up high and responded, “I’ll be fine eventually. I will get over you. I promise.”