How to Get Higher Grades

November 15, 2008
So you want better grades, but no matter how hard you study, your stinkin' English teacher still gives you a C on that test on the differences between past and present participle phrases. Or maybe you're a smart kid like myself already, and just want to make that difference between an A- and an A . Either way, getting higher grades is obviously important to you.

The first thing you have to do in order to get higher grades is act smart. It sounds ridiculous, but it really does work. Come on, have you ever met an absolute idiot that thinks they're a genius? Of course not. Idiots are stupid because they think they are. And if you act smart, you'll get into smart-people habits, which will make it so you really are smart!

Ain't that dandy.

Second, you have to learn what those smart-people habits actually are. Unfortunately, you can't just sit at your PS3 until dinner after acting smart all day and expect your IQ to auto-increase by thirty points. (Sorry.)

One thing that people like me naturally do is not sitting in front of a screen unproductively. We do sit in front of a screen- we're just being productive. Have a love of computers? Learn a programming language, or make websites- I recently made $100 for creating a website for a title company, and it was a great way to learn new things about how people interact, and how to run a business in general. In love with your TV? Start a videoblog or a video podcast. Not only will you get an experience similar to that of a TV star, you'll also be gaining skills like sociology ("Will people be interested in this topic, or should I leave it alone?"), and even increasing your vocab (using bigger words makes your podcast or webshow more awesome, and it really does up your IQ!).

Another thing you can do to raise your grades- I know you were hoping not to hear this one- study. Get it out of the way, before you get distracted by something else. If people are constantly IMing or calling you, try putting your phone further away from you, or studying in a room seperate from the computer. And no matter what happens, don't distract yourself. You are your last hope. Don't ruin your new smartitude.

Finally, be healthy. It's a proven fact that being in shape physically makes it easier to be in shape mentally. Now, I'm not one to judge, but it seems to me that that's a huge reason there aren't any overweight nerds (or overly thin ones, either, just lanky). If you're not healthy, your brain doesn't work right, and if your brain doesn't work right, how do you expect you're going to get smarter?

Fat chance you ever will (sorry, that was a bad joke).

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