The Hardest Thing

October 22, 2008
By
“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
He was my best friend. We went through everything together. He was there for me my sophomore year when everyone else bailed out, and I was there for him when his family life crashed. We were inseparable.

As time went on our friendship grew into so much more. Eventually we decided to give it a shot at dating. Things went perfectly for about a week. We were both the happiest we had ever been and we felt as if nothing could bring us down from our “cloud nine” that we sat on. I felt as if he was truly the first guy that I had fallen head over heels for, and I knew he felt the same way about me.

The longer we dated the more I started to think about where it all would wind up going. Until one day I realized we could be nothing more than best friends. Now the next part was what I thought was going to be one of the hardest days of my life. I had to sit down and tell him that I no longer wanted to be more than just friends. The thing that scared me the most about doing this was the fact that I thought I was going to lose my best and only friend.

Of course, he didn’t take it well. He told me he would always have those feelings for me and he couldn’t be just friends without wanting more. But I stuck my ground and kept it at the just “friends level”.

By summer we talked at least twice a week. I thought things were looking up. I thought our perfect friendship was coming as if nothing had ever happened. At least that’s what I thought. He, of course like he said, wanted more. I didn’t know and had gotten a new boyfriend.

When school came around we talked a lot. I thought he knew I had a boyfriend but he didn’t. So we talked, and talked. Until one day in class someone told him about my boyfriend. Right there and then I believe I saw his heart break in two. The rest of the day he couldn’t even look at me.

A week later my boyfriend and I broke up. That was so hard for me, yet my “best friend” was there for me. I called him every night for a week straight crying and he listened, even as hard as it was, he listened to the girl he was head over heels for cry about some other guy whom wasn’t him.

And he still stayed there when my boyfriend and I got back together. He waited and waited until the night came; that I know for a fact now was the hardest night of my life. I had to pick between my best friend and my boyfriend. I think I used an entire box of Kleenexes. How was I supposed to choose between someone who I only saw as a friend who had been there for me through thick and thin and from a boyfriend whom I gave my heart to? I cared for them both but in two different ways. I had to hurt someone and there was no beating around the bush.

At 10:30 on a cold Wednesday night, I had to crush my best friend’s heart by telling him I only saw him as a friend and that was all it was ever going to be. I had never heard a guy cry before until that night. I knew my boyfriend was happy but how was I supposed to be happy knowing I hurt someone who meant everything to me a year ago.

To this day I still wonder if what I chose was right. My boyfriend and I are still together. My “ex-best friend” and I still talk but it’s just not the same.

Every time I think of that moment I think of this quote and it always keeps me moving along: “You never leave someone behind; you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.”





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