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It is 30 minutes till
Midnight and here I am laying on my stomach finishing unfinished
business. I am completely nervous writing to you. I have longed for this day that you hold this letter. You probably won’t even go far into this letter but I’m hoping you have the time to just put aside what your about to do and take the time to read on. Please don’t think I’m just a complete stranger writing to you like I have no clue of what I’m about to say. There’s a lot we have been through and a lot we both had to deal with when we were together. Just like any other relationship with speed bumps and stop signs.
Last I saw you, you were 5’11, clean cut hair, weighing about 140 and had 2 tattoos. One tattoo was on your right forearm that said “Agat” with red outlines and the other tattoo was on your right side of your neck that said “Dangerous” written in Kanji. It’s been a year since we’ve seen each other, so you’re probably 3 inches taller and maybe got more tattoos. To give you a little flashback, I was that short Asian girl across the street with long black hair and a laugh you could probably hear miles away. I don’t expect you to remember, I know you have a lot on your mind since I’ve been gone.
Its awkward how I’m writing to you when I know that you’re not the person to sit down in a quiet room and read but calling won’t get me anywhere anyways. I’ve called before to see how you’re doing or what you have been up too, but my calls seem to be ignored and that was 8 months ago. I got tired of trying because I knew it was for nothing.
We were in a relationship were risks were made often and done everyday. We made each other laugh constantly till our belly’s ached. We fought over the silliest things but always ended our arguments with a hug and sorrys. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We were together every day and every night. We were two completely different people but ended up in love. You were a gangster running things on our block, and I was a family orientated A student with emotion problems. You understood me so well, and I accepted you with all my heart I felt like we were perfect.
I just knew June 10, 2008 would change it all. But I didn’t know it would take me this long to get use to these changes. June 10 is a date to remember; it was the day I last saw your face, Four hours before my flight. I remember stopping by your house to say goodbye. The scent of your room and the feel of your hug haunt my senses. I’m not going to lie, the first few months since I’ve moved it has been really hard, I’ve been constantly thinking, thinking and thinking. I felt as if my life was just nonsense and there was no way I could last a few more months in this nightmare.
Last we spoke you wished me happy birthday and denied ever having a relationship with someone else as soon as I left. I’m not dumb, Brian, I have my ways of finding things out. You didn’t have to lie especially on my birthday. After talking to you, I got on to my e-mail and find that I had a message from your younger sister. I didn’t know opening it would make my birthday a lot worse then it was. She wrote “Hey Amanda, Happy Birthday! How are you? We miss you. I just wanted to write to see how your birthday is going. Oh and by the way Brian is expecting.” What a surprise birthday present huh? 1 year together down the drain because you couldn’t take the fact that I’ll be gone for a few months.
It’s amazing how close I was to abandoning my family for you. They hated you because of your background but I didn’t care because I thought you were nothing like your brothers. My dad would point out how your older brothers are a bad example. He would say “Look at Milan, he killed Jason 5 years ago and is living life in prison. Look at Justin, he has no job and is running on illegal money. Do you want that?” I didn’t care what they said because you told me that we would have a future, a better future then your brothers. My cousins would point out your reputation. They would say, “I heard he played his ex-girlfriends and wants only one thing.” But of course, I didn’t listen because there were too many “I heard”! You would never love me the way my family does but back then I didn’t know any better.
I remember my mom sitting me down to talk and she said “Amanda, it really hurts that we have to compete with Brian for your love. Why can’t you understand that we only love you and want the best for you?” but back then I was young and hopelessly in love with you. When my mom would talk to me about you, I would only roll my eyes because then I thought that she just didn’t understand and wanted things her way. But now, I have realized that she was only right about you. My whole family was right. Even though I have hurt my family especially my mom, they didn’t give up on me. They sent me far away from you, and I thought it was a selfish move for them but really now that all has taken its place I understand the real reason why. If they didn’t send me back here, I probably won’t be able to finish school and I’ll probably be living with you and following your gangster lifestyle. I thank God for an understanding and patient family. I don’t regret ever meeting you because we experienced a lot and I learned from it. We had fun. It was the best year spent in my life. Our relationship showed me what I am capable of and what my family is capable of. I’m back here in Washington living with my cousins and trying to hold my own, and still, I have no regrets. It has been hard away from my parents and my sisters, but I believe it all happened for a reason.
Meeting you was just a realization that family is always there through thick and thin. I still cry at night because I wonder if you think of me the way I think of you. It’s really hard just to let you fade from my mind and heart when our relationship is the reason why I’m miles and miles away from my friends and family. But, like I said a few lines before, I have no regrets. I like the path I am following. I no longer do the bad things I use too. You are someone who walked into my life, stepped on a few things, and then left.
You are now a stranger to me. I do not know you the way I once did. Maybe I never really did know you. The damage is done, I’ve moved on!