You truly don't know how much you miss a person until they are gone. You may think about it, but when reality hits it sucks. I don't know why it still seems so unreal, I mean I was at the funeral. But I had just sen her the week before. My grandmother's death still hits me...Makes me stop in my tracks, appreciate the little things that's what I keep remembering, the last of everything. I remember the last time I saw her, gave her a hug or kiss, last time taking her back to her house, the last moments she was staring at us, waving goodbye. The loneliness in her eyes, I am the person who took the last pictures of her. Then on my little brother's 13th birthday I found out she had passed. I realize that there are all of the stages of denial right there...the denial, me thinking that there is just no possible way that she could be gone less than a week later. The guilt, wishing I had spent more time with her. The grief, knowing that I will never see her again, that she will never be able to teach me all of the wonderful things that she knew how to do. The anger, being angry at her for leaving me whenever I was just starting to connect with her. And finally the acceptance, knowing that she passed away in her sleep and that she was at peace and still watching out for us because it really wasn't a goodbye. So at the time of her funeral I constructed a Eulogy in her honor and entitled it, "A Farewell In Heaven."
Losing what Once Existed
October 29, 2008