Just as anyone knows, stress starts to get to the adult level toward your last years of highschool. After that, its a whole other world. I graduated in 07 and have been working full time ever since. I have sinced moved out on my own and was going to college. I live with my boyfriend, who at the time, does not have a job. I wasnt living under any one elses rules but my own, yet my family still had an iron fist in my life. It was unfair and unjust some of the things that would happen. They would come over unannounced, tromp through my home yelling at me for this or that being out of order. They would make themselves at home and proceed to degenerate my boyfriend in front of me. I would be screamed at, called names and told I was a stupid fool who was bound to go under. I developed anxiety problems a while back and they only became intensified after I made the leap to become my own person. As I mentioned earlier, I had been working full time for almost two years. As if that wasnt bad enough I decided to pick up a second job, working at the dollar store. At this time in my life I had already seen many doctors for depression and also for anxiety. I was slowly spiraling downward and I didnt even realize it. Through out my life I've had run ins with suicidal thoughts and some attempts. I thought that I had by passed that stage in my life and wasnt ready for the onslaught of thoughts that were coming at me day in and day out. I wanted to never wake up, not go to work, not go to school and not see anyone. My family was constantly riding my back, tearing me left and right. If I even suggested for them to back off even a little bit, they would throw a major guilt trip my way that would be enough to make any one go insane. Work was becoming to demanding and was not helping my anxiety. One call had the capability to send me in to a panic attack where I would be completely paralyzed and not able to function. I finally had enough one day and just blew up on my whole family. It wasnt right for me to do it and it damaged alot of people along the way. I know that they were the ones doing it to me, but it didnt justify my actions. I didnt want to be like that with them because of the way it made me feel. The problem was I kept it in for way to long and let it build up. I was concerned more about hurting their feelings when they didnt care about mine. Looking back I can clearly see the point where I should have taken control, and it could have saved me so much stress.
When you know its enough
October 13, 2008