My Fulfilling Dream

September 21, 2008
By Octavia Walker, Rocky Mount, NC

Ever since I can remember when I was little about 7 or 8 I was told that I was adopted. I really didn’t take interest in finding my birth parents because of all the hate that I had built up against them. But it wasn’t until I got a little older that I wanted to finally try and search for them. Since they had a rule with adopted people that they couldn’t find there birth family until the age of eighteen I had to take matters into my own hands and start searching on my own. I didn’t have any information on them except what was given to me in my adoption book and the information was very limited. I didn’t have there last names just middle and first. I remember praying to God every night asking him to help me find a way to find some kind of information all I needed was a last name! So one regular weekend day I was putting away laundry and I put my dad’s clothes away into this one drawer and I saw this envelope saying birth records. Now I had no clue what was in this envelope but the word birth just had me wondering I heard my dad making his way up the stairs and I hurried up and closed the drawer. He was leaving in a couple hours any way and my curiosity wasn’t going to let that information pass me by. After he left and my mom was downstairs I went into their room took out the envelope and just stared at it. What was running threw my head? That I could finally have an answer to my prayers so I opened it and spent a good hour searching for a last name and finally I found it. They tried to mark it out with a black permanent marker but I held it up to the light and saw the last name immediately. I put everything back exactly how I found it and raced to the computer in the dinning room. At that moment I was thanking God that Myspace was created I typed in my sisters name knowing that my birth mom would not have a Myspace and right after I clicked enter my eyes started to swell up with a tear as I stared at who could be my birth’s sister’s pictures. I could find no words that could explain how happy and grateful I was at that moment for technology. No matter how bad I wanted to send her a message saying I think you could be my sister and on and on I know I couldn’t approach a sixteen year like that because they would probably think I was crazy just I would if I was in there position. So until then no matter how much it hurt me I had to take it slowly get to my information that I wanted to desperately know was true from the only source that could tell me if it was accurate. I said to her after I told her my name is your mother’s name this is your sister’s name this and so on and so forth. I think I scared her with how much this stranger knew about her. So I began to tell her who I was hoping she would be happy and not upset or belligerent. And surprisingly she stated to tell me how her or our mom always wanted to meet me and my brother in the future and that I should of just came out and told her who I was from the beginning. We exchanged numbers and planned on when we could talk off of Myspace. As I said earlier how I always had a hate towards my “birth” mother. If you’re wondering why it’s because I could never comprehend why you would want to give you birth children away and when I mean children I mean me and my twenty-six year old brother. It wasn’t until I was at least fourteen that I realized if she could take care of me and my brother that she would have kept us. Now I’m not going to talk down on her but she had problems with drug abuse so if you really look at it she had our best interests at heart. I don’t know how she decided to keep which children and which ones to set for adoption but she just chose me and my brother. Finally about two days before my sister’s birthday I ran it through my mind day and night why should I still be upset with my mother when all she wanted was for me to have a good future. My parents also told me how God would want me to forgive and relinquish this hate that I had against her.
My dream had came to an abrupt stop when one afternoon I logged onto Myspace and saw a shocking message that my birth mom died of a heart attack on a local bus on August 10, 2007 exactly on my sister’s birthday. At first it didn’t really affect me because I never met her and how can you miss things or people you never missed? But it wasn’t until maybe an hour later that I realized after all my work, research, and persistence had just went down the tubes. Have you ever felt like you worked for something so hard and to have it snatched away from you in an instant that’s how I felt. I was so mad at myself because I spent years not just months but years being mad and eerily upset with my mom when the whole time I was being so blind to the fact that she just wanted the best for me. Now because of my selfishness I will never get to meet her. Me and my sister aren’t has close has we used to be. Just recently she told me how my mother said how one day we were all going to be able to do things together like go shopping together and things of that nature. This only made me cry even more. I have always been a person that does not cry easily and show emotion but in this case it was impossible to hold my emotion or my feelings to myself. To this day a year later after my mother’s death I still say to myself I now know the meaning of life is too short. Favor was not on my side I only made it through with the support from my family but mostly my parents and uncle because he could relate to my situation in a manner.
My dream may not be your average dream like become a supermodel or to be the most successful account but my dream is more personal. My dream will always stand the same that I want to meet my mother hopefully in heaven one day.

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