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Numb.

By , San Marcos, TX
Numb.

Who am I? The simple answer is my name, but let’s get technical shall we? Who am I, really? I can be “my name” to anyone I’ve always known, but even that is now becoming an immature portrayal I struggle to fulfill. People create expectations, based off who they think you are, causing that to become who you are.

I’m sad. I know that. I’ve taken all those dumb depression tests, results always reading positive. I hate that term though, “depressed.” It makes it sound like some sort of mental disability.

I prefer the term numb.

Not feeling.

I’ve just simply gotten to that horrid point, where I no longer feel. In some strange and sick way though, I don’t mind. Being numb just makes things so much less complicated.

I didn’t want to be this way, not feeling.

No one made me this way, it just sort of happened.

I gave up, let go, just simply stopped caring. That is what they teach you to do, isn’t it? To “be your own person,” discovering who that is by choosing to forget the other’s opinions.

Maybe that’s why I’m not the only one who’s numb, it’s everyone who ever listened to those “wise words.” Because the truth is, once you stop caring it’s impossible to start again.

So if I don’t care, why do I cry?

I cry because I’m too numb, too deep into “me.” This numb person I’ve become, feeling nothing.

What’s the best part? I’d have to say not caring. Just giving up. Why should we waste our time caring about the incredibly ugly society we live in?

It sickens me to think of the world’s impossible definition of perfection. I know I’m not the only one sickened by this, but why does it continue to never change?

Because even if there was only one person who still cared, that’s all it takes. One person caring, it becomes like a chain reaction.

Unless of course, you’re already numb like me.

Everyone is always telling us to “be ourselves,” but how many of us know who we really are? I sure don’t.

Who you are isn’t going to ever be how someone else truly sees you. Who you are is the songs you secretly love listening to, but would never tell anyone because of our constant fear of the ugly society we endure. You are those books you actually want to read, but of course could never tell anyone that.

No matter how similar we seem on the surface, no two people could ever be slightly alike in any way, no matter how much we’d like to believe we are.

Even the most honest people are liars. That’s how society formed us to be.

Sure, we all have days where we just break.

The true problem with that though is that we immediately return to our mediocre and culture-formed lives that no one really deserves to live, but we do anyways.

Dumb right?

Everyone agrees, but no one could ever take that stand because no matter how many times we try to deny, hide, or bury it, we are all ruled by fear.




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