Dear Freshmen This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

By
I’m sure you’ve already heard about how difficult high school can be. But it’s only hard if you let it become hard. This essay is about how not to ­succeed during these four years of school. If you wish to do well and pass your classes, stop reading right now and continue on the righteous path to grad­uation. But if you would rather become a burnt-out failure and spend the rest of your life flipping burgers and asking “Would you like fries with that?” with no high school diploma, college degree, or respectable job, keep on reading. Your homework can wait until tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.

This leads me to the first skill you must master in order to fail. Procrastination is defined as putting things off until the last possible minute, and then kicking yourself for not getting it done and over with when you had the chance instead of watching TV, going tanning, or texting your BFFs. When your teacher passes out the rubric for the “important” project that’s due in a week, put it in the back of your folder. Then forget about it. You’ll get it done eventually. When the time comes to turn in that project and you’re the only one who hasn’t done it, give yourself a pat on the back – you’re one step closer to becoming head fry cook at McDonald’s.

Another very important ability you must possess in order to fail high school is tardiness. Never, ever come to school on time. Your beauty sleep is much more important than a bright, successful future. So when that irritating alarm starts screaming at you at 6:30, slam your hand on the snooze button. Better yet, unplug the thing. And when you waltz into the school office to sign in just before lunch, be sure to tell them that you’re trying to win the “Most Likely Not to Succeed” superlative. They’ll understand. As a matter of fact, they’ll probably put in their votes for you immediately.

The third skill you must have in order to not be all you can be in high school is disorganization. Why bother trying to sort your papers into a heavy binder with pockets, dividers, and tabs? Just go to the store and purchase the cheapest, flimsiest folder you can find and shove in all your papers. If you don’t want to graduate with your class, there’s no point in wasting your time and money maintaining a system that will help you locate what you need when you need it. Oh, and instead of taking notes, spend your time doodling the name of whom­ever you “heart” all over the folder. You’ll be the coolest kid walking around with a folder soaked in ink and stuffed so full of overdue assignments that it’s barely hanging on by its paper hinges.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my directions on how to become one of the Bur­ger King’s loyal subjects. Graduation is a long way off, and the four years spent getting there are no fun if you do what you’re supposed to do when you’re supposed to do it. So, good luck with the burrito-making. High school requires thinking outside the bun … I mean box. Why waste your energy? By the way, if you’re still reading this essay and taking it to heart, I wish you the best of luck. You’re really going to need it.

Sincerely, A High School Graduate

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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This article has 15 comments. Post your own now!

millz said...
Apr. 23, 2009 at 6:55 pm
OMG Im scared. :(
 
Tiffany said...
Feb. 2, 2009 at 9:30 pm
u dont really have to do stuff in high school ;) or at least if u go to a small school......my gpa is a 3.5 so im good as is. But it was still good i enjoyed it
 
URaDumDum replied...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 8:06 pm
3.5? Wow pat yourself on the back - try getting into a GOOD college with grades like that. You are sure to be a gold digging user. See ya in about 5 years with about 6 kids on welfare
 
totalprocrastinator said...
Jan. 12, 2009 at 2:34 am
Ah...loved the sarcasm. The sad thing is, I do things at the last minute, get up barely one time or miss, am totally disorganized, and draw on my notes paper. ^^; The weird thing is, though, is that I get A's. Haha. Anyway, lovelovelovelove! :)
 
hmm said...
Dec. 22, 2008 at 12:24 am
I luv your writing if you read this Miss Author. I totally loved the sarcasm but i do agree with most of the ppl here that the thing aout mcdonald was a tinsy bit much. Besides that it was AWESOME!!
 
smileitsnakea said...
Nov. 25, 2008 at 10:30 pm
omg.. sarcasmm. loveee ittt. storyy periodd lovee it.. ppl the sarcasmm needed to be there to get off s poinntt.. great jobb. ppl back off
 
meowwww said...
Nov. 20, 2008 at 1:53 pm
nice poem :))))) it feels real good
 
bgie_sms said...
Oct. 24, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I think that this wrtiting is very well done... i do think that she might have been just a little bit harsh when she was talking about McDonalds, but she does make a very good point. I really liked her work and i hope to see some more in future issues
 
Tweedle Dee said...
Oct. 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm
hey, great job! i love the sarcasm, it's hillarious! sorry everyone who didnt like it, but i thought the mcdonalds stuff was great! lol keep writting!
 
big_asia said...
Oct. 13, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I feel as if this hits the nail right on the head. its' about time that someone let the underclassmen know that you actually have to do stuff to graduate. although, i would have to agree with the other comments about the people at McDonalds making more money than a teacher. but other than that, good job. :]
 
bubble gum girl 222 said...
Oct. 1, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Your story was hilarious. I think the funny thing is that all high school graduates at one time wished they could be a slacker. Get up at noon, watch 7 hours of T.V. a night.........well that's how feel anyway. But I do plan to graduate high school.
 
Pinecone said...
Oct. 1, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Nice! Finally, someone with a reasonable point of view!
 
Hellomynameisthatguyatthebar said...
Oct. 1, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I thought it was good. It was a little harsh with the Mcdonalds stuff but it was interesting
 
mm said...
Sept. 26, 2008 at 5:24 am
The writing is well done, but I'd say the sarcasm is a little harsh...
 
argetlam said...
Sept. 20, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I'll bet the head fry cook at McDonalds makes better money than a teacher.
 
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