Burning You

May 22, 2008
By Hailey Franklin, Pittsfield, NH

Burning You

Over February vacation this year I learned not to hide you mistakes, because they’ll find you and burn you. I burned one of the people in my life that I love the most, Billy, my boyfriend of three years. I have asked myself numerous times, what possessed me to betray Billy and cheat on him? Then on top of everything, when Billy asked me about it, I lied right to his face. I have never been in a situation where I was the one who was the coward. I felt like Amir in The Kite Runner, how Amir ran away and did not help Hassan when he needed it the most. I felt horrible for what I had done, but I remembered what Rahim Khan said in the book…”maybe there’s a way to be good again” (Hosseini).

In my situation, Billy is the one that I felt badly for. How could I not think of him and think only of myself in this situation? I thought about me way too much, and look where that got me! I saw all the pain that Billy was feeling and it hurt me knowing that I was the one who caused the pain. It was hard to believe that I was the catalyst that precipitated this situation. Looking into Billy’s eyes was so hard at times. The hatred for myself was growing stronger. I couldn’t escape this hell, or myself. Could everyone really see the darker side of me? I was a coward and a liar. I knew I had messed up.

I started losing faith, because I didn’t think Billy would forgive me. He’s done everything for me and now that I look back on our whole relationship, I realize I can’t think of anything that I have ever done for Billy. How could I be so selfish? All I could think of is Billy and how I wanted him back. I don’t deserve this man. God and I both know it.

I remember as a child I always dreamed of growing up and being successful and having a family of my own someday. The thing that I looked most forward to was falling in love. I wonder if I rushed things. Did I fall out of love? I tried to think of reasons why I would crush my dreams. From being with Billy for three years, I can say that there aren’t many men like him out there. His love is like one in a million. I love how he’s so unique from everyone else, and his respect for me. He treated me like a queen. Billy used to always say, “I can’t be a king, without having a queen”. Well who was going to be his queen now? Not me, I feel as if I am an embarrassment to him, not a queen.

Sometimes I question why I do the things I do. I surprise myself with the good and bad decisions I make. I don’t even have a reason as to why I cheated on Billy, other then I did it for my own selfish reasons. The other guy didn’t interest me whatsoever; it was cheap and meaningless sex, why would I choose him over Billy?

Falling in love was a dream of mine and I crushed it, ruined it. Now I feel that our love will never be the same never be as strong as it once was. I know I can change, but my track record and reputation precedes me. I broke Billy’s spirit, one of the things I valued most about him, and I turned him into someone bitter and hateful. Not only did I ruin my relationship, but I ruined a great person and tore him to shreds because I don’t have a conscience. I know Billy is strong, but he’s a perfect example of a person whose greatest strength is his greatest weakness. Even though it’s really clear that I’m the one who betrayed him, he beats himself up for it. He thinks it’s something he’s done that changed my heart and love for him. I wonder did my love change? It hurts me to say this, but I never really appreciated him like I should have. I realize that I took him for granted way too much. I know I am the one to blame. I have been beating myself up inside thinking I’m useless. I ask myself “what’s my purpose in this world?” If it’s to ruin people, then I don’t want to be here. I believe people can change, for better or for worse, and I plan to make changes for the better. I don’t ever want to cause pain like that to someone ever again!

For the past two years of dating, our relationship seemed like a distant dream. Sometimes it seemed so real, but other times fake, so fake that I didn’t even want to be in the relationship. Things used to be so well between us, what happened? For the first year that we were together, I could never get enough of him. We were completely inseparable, (when we did see each other) head over heels in love, and he was my best friend. What went wrong, I just don’t know, nor do I understand. I need to feel love again and not lust.

For the one day that we had broken up, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or stop crying. I was emotionally drained. I hated myself for what I had done to him. When Billy forgave me, it was a day I swore I would never forget. Along with forgiveness, Billy and I decided to try and work things out. I was baffled that he was giving me another chance. So, when does life really begin? I don’t know, but whenever it does, it’s all well worth keeping, for the rewards are more than what anyone truly deserves.

After this past vacation, I really figured out who I am and what I want. I am Hailey Franklin, an 18-year-old girl that lives in a small town masquerading as a big city. There’s no one in this world that knows me better than me. I am hardworking and usually honest. I endure long and am patient and kind; I bear up under anything and everything that comes. I am ready to believe the best of every person. I know I am sometimes naïve and too trusting, and it’s something I hope to change. Looking, back on my whole life, I’ve seen and had some really bad things happen. It’s hard to believe the things that I have gone through. I strongly believe you were given the life you have because you’re strong enough to live it. My only fear in life is that I’ll be alone, but I don’t want
to be with someone for the sake of companionship. I hope and pray that things will not end up that way, but I have to prepare myself for it. Passion is knowing what you want and never stopping until you have it. Love is my passion. Billy is my passion, my love, and a big part of who I am today. I try to keep my faith in God because God’s love in me never fails, never fails, never fades or becomes obsolete, and never comes to an end (Corinthians). With that there’s no doubt in my mind that…maybe…just maybe there’s a way to be good again!

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