There are days in a girls life that seem to be the most confusing and then there are days that seem to never really matter. When it comes to dealing with drama I seem to not care and sometimes not be able to handle it. But I do and it feels and seems fine. There seems to be so much in the world that makes people act crazy and do crazy things in there life. It all seems to not be that important but to me I guess it is. There is so much that I want to say and do in my life but never seem to fine the time or way to do it or even have the time for because of other things I am doing.
Life its self is complex but to make living and talking and doing other things complex that just doesn’t seem right to me. There are people out there that are going through the same thing. I can tell a little. They are the ones that sit and act like they care but in there mind they are thinking the exact thing that you are. If you think about it there is not one person that has not gone through what you go through as a teenager. Being eighteen doesn’t change you that much though it does help you get a different look on life and a different perspective of people.
I look around here in this room at all these people and I can tell that they want a way out of high school. The only way is to work and work hard. That’s all anyone can do these days. Is work and work hard. Weather you are sixteen or seventy you have to work hard to get anything out of this world. It’s the same everywhere. Though you may not see it right away its there, a lot of work waiting to be done. Though there several other things that we have to be done in the world as well. It seems that we have to take care of ourselves first before others.
If we don’t know who we are or what we want in life and just go and help others without knowing who we are, there is going to be more confusion in the world and less things getting done. There will be no time to do anything when you are wondering what to do next. To me I don’t think that is fair to the world and everyone in it that can be helped. If you really think about it there is so much that one person can do here in the world that it would help make it better. Weather it is a small thing or a big thing. What ever some one does, it can help make the world a better place.
Yes I know I am babbling about saving the world and doing the things you dream, nothing and none of this is in my journal. Though I think you should know what I think of the world before reading it to understand what I am talking about. There is a whole world in this world. A world that I live in and what all I think that is happening in my life. Some of it actually runs in my head all the time when other times I just think of things that are random so I am saying sorry in advance if reading this journal confuses you at all. I wrote it over two weeks and these weeks were before my birthday. Before my life changed in my eyes and in my mind.
What you are about it read is what I myself think my life is and more. So read on young scholar and know what I think. Maybe you might write a journal or just your thoughts down one day. That’s what I did.


November 27, 2007

I have realizes that in my free time I spend a good chunk of it thinking about all that I have done in my life. As well as the things I have gone through in my life, well all the days that I turned thirteen. All the pain and regret for what I have done. Then I have realized that I have been beginning to think that I might be getting used by people of the opposite gender. It all ends up making me feel like garbage and I hate feeling like that. But oh well I might be wrong about it but god only knows.
I have realized or just started to believe that all the time in my life that I feel miserable that it is never going to get better. My sister always tells me that life will get better, but there are times that I do not believe that it is true. I am to be turning eighteen in a month and still do not think that it is true. Oh well life will go on and so will I. the time has come for me to end for the day since lunch is about to start so I will try to write in here later if not then I will write in you tonight.

November 29, 2007

I can’t believe all this stuff that people are telling me these days about how life will get better. To me it won’t, at least not now. For the past three years I have been so afraid to disappoint people that I care about though it seems that I always do. Just like my relationships. They never work out the way I want them to and I always end up getting hurt in the end. There have only been a couple guys that I have ever truly loved. I don’t want to list any names since one of them just recently broke my heart.
After that I never thought that I could ever really like anyone but it seems that I have come to like a couple of guys. They know who they are but when I go and asked them out they told me they had other things to worry about. Oh well I will just have to find the time to figure out what it is I really want and go after it. Hopefully that will be soon since I don’t really like being alone a lot. I have my friends to hang out with, it would be nice to have a guy to hang out with as well.
Well it seems to be lunch time again so I have to go. I will again try to write in you next class, but if not then later tonight.
December 3, 2007

So it appears that some how for like the second time in three months of having my stomach close on me again. It hurts so much, or well it did yesterday but it doesn’t hurt that much right now. I am just hungry since lunch is coming up soon. But other then that I just hope that my stomach won’t hurt tonight or I might not get any sleep tonight.
There is this guy in my class that I like but he doesn’t act like he likes me. When I think about it I come up with this question, how do we truly know if a person likes you without asking them if they like you? How is any one to know who likes them and who doesn’t like them without even asking? It takes a lot of nerve to tell someone that you like them but it takes even more nerve to ask the person out. Well at least for me it is. I should know it took me a long time before I told this one guy that I liked him.
He never said anything back I am still glad that I took the risk to tell him that I liked him. Though it makes me wonder why a guy never tells or shares there feeling out or tell how they feel. They like to keep everything a secret. Maybe, or maybe they just share with the other guys. They just never share with a woman, and it also appears that when the word “feeling” is even mentioned they ignore it completely.
Gosh now I don’t know what to write about since this guy threw all my stuff on the ground and made me a little mad, I mean come on he could have moved them nicely instead of messing everything up. That brings up another question, why is it that men are real jerks around girls? My mother continually told me that it was because they like you, but that was in elementary school. Now I am in High School and the dating ground is completely different.
Maybe I will find the answer to my question later on in life. So anyways that’s about all I can think about right now. Since like other days I have written in this before lunch and lunch is in fifteen minutes, and I am starving. I can wait a little longer since I forgot to say that last weekend I was to go to the movies but my friend got sick or she changed her mind and wanted to do something else. I can’t remember. I will write in here soon.
Sitting here in science class listening to everyone bicker is quite funny but they are all starting to give me a headache but oh well. Since I was talking about men before I thought I might add some more. Why is it that most guys I know here are all for and know about sports and everything sports related? It is as though no one here is the same and that we are all different in little but noticeable ways.
It also seems that other schools support sports as well. They are healthy and such but I do not see what the big deal is. There are other things running through my mind though I do not know how to place them here in words that I will understand later. Now my stomach is starting to hurt again so I will write in here later or tomorrow if I feel better or I will write in here the day after tomorrow.

December 5, 2007

So Christmas is coming up and it appears that I will be having a small Christmas, just granddad, mom, dad, and I that’s about it. I might have someone there with me. I hope I will because it will be my first boyfriend on Christmas though god only knows what is going to happen. I only hope that he grants this one wish for me if not oh well.
I have realized that my new favorite song is Bubbly by Colbie Caillat and a couple more like No one by Alicia Keys and Fallin out by Keisha Cole. There are several other songs that I love and cherish these are new and recent. There is the fact that I also do not remember what they are and what they are called. Now I am having a writers block again so let me think a little on it.
Oh now I know. Ms. Hornbuckle came and sent everyone that was in the commons back to class because we were “talking”. But I was not talking just sort of singing out loud.-laughs- There is a down side to this since now I do not have music since it is clear across the room. Oh well life sucks and then you die. A motto that a friend of mine always said though he doesn’t go to the school anymore. He was so cool and still is, even though I haven’t talked to him in like two years. There are a lot of people I haven’t talked to in a long time. I wonder what they are up to.
Let’s take Asher for example: he broke my heart a couple of months ago and we haven’t talked since then. Well not for about three months although I did send him a comment on myspace not to long ago. Never replied but oh well I have ripped up the clothes of his that I have and ripped the teddy bear he gave me. Oh and I forgot to mentioned that I gave the ring he bought me at the fair for fifteen dollars to a friend of mine to have. God I still hate him so much that if I ever saw him again I would punch him in the face. I don’t think I could ever do that since I still care about him a lot.
Life would be boring without a little drama to ruffle me up a little. It won’t hurt. If the drama is happening to me then it is too horrible and I hate it. Thankfully I don’t get into that much drama though there is a lot here in the school. So now that I am done talking about that lets change the subject.
I look around my science class and realize that after lunch everyone is hyper and wound up with energy. It is the food that makes people energetic or well that is what I think causes it to happen. Also getting out is energetic since sitting is boring and not that much energy is being used up. I have noticed that there are several people that I like and that like me here in Alaska and around the lower forty-eight. I have found a lot who like me but never really know why they like me. When I look at who I am I just see a boring and non interesting girl. I am annoying, loud, obnoxious, talkative, unorganized, not that smart, diabetic, and several other things that I can’t think of right now.

Every time I get dumped I ask my friend to ask them why they dumped me and the answer is always the same. They should have gotten to know me better or that I am annoying. That is all they say and that just makes me wonder why they even dated me, but I will never know since I don’t ask them that. I think if they asked me out they must have seen something interesting about me to want to date me. I have a fear that if I ask them the question that when the answer it I will end up getting hurt.

If I continue to write in this anymore I might end up filling the book up or four more pages with me rambling on about what is going through my head. I dought that I will want to read this in the future if I continue writing about me. It seems that I am a very negative person and not a positive happy go lucky person. That kind of person scares me. I am just a person that has a not so happy life in a not so happy world.
December 6, 2007


So it seems to me that I don’t know what I truly want to do in my life. There are several things that I still need to here at school before I think that far a head. I still need to finish math, writing, careers, P.S.S, tech, and social studies. I have nothing in order at all. I don’t even have my life in order yet. None of my plans are in order or not going to happen. I have so much to do but so little time to do them in.

I believe the hardest classes for me to concentrate on are math and social studies. I have realized that without a good push and someone to make sure I am working I will never get the work done. It seems that no one will do that for me since they have other things to do. That’s about it and in math all the teacher wants us to do is what she wants to do.
December 7, 2007

For SSR yesterday I read some of this really good book that I have had for about two months. The Boleyn Inheritance by Phillipa Gregory though I drought I spelt her name right. My gosh it is such a good book. I think instead of writing in this that I will read the rest of the book. I am so addicted to the book it seems, I can’t even put it down.
December 10, 2007

So it seems that once again I am sick for like the third or fourth time. I can’t stand it. It seems that I can’t get over it. It just comes and goes. I can barely breath, my nose is clogged, my throat hurts, and I am much tiered. Although it seems that I can sleep a lot at night but that doesn’t seem to help. Neither does the cold medicine. Nothing is going to get rid of it. And ill be sick for ever and ever.

December 11, 2007


Being sick is not fun at all, I should know because I get hot flashes, or well something like them. My body temperature raises and makes me sweat and later on get chills. It is not very fun or comfortable but I deal with it, and luckily it doesn’t mess with my diabetes, or well it doesn’t seem to be since my blood sugars are in the normal rang. Getting this hot is torture, though the funny thing is I don’t think that my dad cares that much about it. I don’t know what he is really thinking so I wouldn’t really know if he cared or not. The only thing that I know is I am not going to be missing any school this year. It seems that nothing can keep me from coming to school. Not even a cold that I could pass around to other students. The only thing that I want to do right now is to get better and feel better.

It makes me so tiered though and I can’t help but deal with it. Like when I got home yesterday from school I was so tiered I almost fell asleep on the couch but I couldn’t, because if I do I will never sleep at night. This means that if I don’t get enough sleep at night that I will be tiered the next day and with this cold even more tiered and then, fall asleep in class leading me to get into trouble. Gosh it is so hard to stay up feeling like this, I really wanted to go to sleep and wake up later but I ended up going to bed when I needed to.

So that’s about it for me being sick, it’s not like this is even interesting but I write down all that I do in a day or how I am feeling. There is one thing that I know and that is that I might have a sinus infection, so that means that I am feeling not so well right now and not really liking it, but oh well. I hate it and I wish I never got sick and that I never got diabetes, but there is nothing I can do about it. That is because it has already happened and I don’t have a time machine to go back in time to change that. And when something happens it is hard to stop it if it has started.

Gosh I am both hungry and board right now even though I have written in this for like over an hour, or well not an hour but like thirty minutes and I am beginning to think that I can sit here and write in this for hours. That would just be boring and down right not right since I am not writing a book. To me a person writing a book should sit and type all day till the book is done.
Maybe I can find something to ramble about then I could write more. Who knows what this master mind genius that is writing this can come up with.-laughs-. Oh my I sound so horrible when I laugh or even talk, even my good friend that is sitting across from me agrees. Maybe I won’t talk for the rest of the day, but that will never happen since I love to talk and talk a lot.

Gosh why doesn’t some one just put me out of my misery, but not really since that would be bad and I want to live for a long time. I am just a great big drama queen and that’s about it. Oh well maybe the doctor will tell me how to get rid of this and I wont have to suffer anymore or maybe I can convince my parents to let me stay home for a little while so that I can get better. No I don’t think that will happen they want me to go to school and learn and never miss a day of it.

Maybe this is why I can’t seem to get a boyfriend, since I am such a drama queen or the fact that I am always sick in some way or another. That by far just makes me feel sad and worthless inside, but whatever its there loss if they don’t get to know me or try to date me. Even though there are not that many that even give me a chance since that think I m not there type but oh well. Its there loss and not mine, I have life to the fullest and I am starting to enjoy it. Oh well that’s just about in my mind, yea that’s it since I have written all that I need. I was told to write about five-hundred words and I have. Can I write some more? I guess I can let’s see what I can think of.

Let me ramble about music here a little. It seems to me that a bunch of songs have the same beat, the same song tune. For example crank squad seems to use the same beat in most of there songs, but they still sound good and catchy. Oh and Colbie Caillat is still my favorite singer, and my favorite song is still bubbly. Yea lunch is almost here and I have just about wrote seven-hundred words, go me I m so cool and also the best.
December 17, 2007


So it seems that I am basically getting all the thought out of my head that I don’t want in there anymore or just letting other people finally see the real me and get to know how I think and feel. Even though I am not letting it all out like the plans for the rest of the year and what all I need to get done but that is for another day. For now all I am worried about is what I am going to write here today. Since I don’t like having things organized and just go with what is all planed in my head to happen.

Now I sit here thinking about my ex-boyfriend and realize that I still like him and care about him a lot and not really know what to do next. It is definitely over between him and I though there are so many things I want to tell him but I never will. Oh well that is all I can really say about him since I have already started to flirt with other guys and though I am not over my ex I am moving on in my life. It looks like I have a tendency of pushing guys away from me and not letting them get to know me and not letting them get to close. I have also noticed that there are guys here that will flirt with me but not get into a relationship with me for some odd reason that I never can figure out but that’s fine. It just gives me another thing to start thinking about. It makes me wonder about what they are thinking.

With the holidays just around the corner it seems to make me a little more depressed since it will be the first Christmas without my grandmother. It also might be a fact that we are having a smaller one then last year. My sister can’t come since she has to work, my cousin can’t come since he is going somewhere else and everyone else in the family is staying home. That is it for Christmas plans, but the bigger news is that nine days after Christmas I officially turn eighteen. Yeay me I am to become an actual and legal adult in the world, actually that is rather scary when I think about it. I will have more things and more responsibilities and more things that I can and can not do.

BLAH I HATE GRAMMER WHITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, DOWN TO THE BURNING HOT SOUL IN THIS CAGE OF A BODY OF MINE. This is what we are doing in my zero hour so I hope she loved the last sentence I wrote on the test. Then again I do put up with it since it is what I need to know before I can escape this educational building. That will then lead to the next step will be to go and see what I truly want to do in my life and what I want to do.

Again it seems that my heart and head are not thinking the same way, meaning that they are not agreeing on anything at the moment. My heart beats and yearns for one thing while my mind tells me that I want something totally different in life and such. It seems that all the time I can’t decide what I really want anymore. I have to have others pick out what they want to do and I just go along with it. In the end it is very confusing to me since both of them are in me and making me even more confused. At some times I hate it a lot but I guess that is just the way that I was made so I deal with it the best I can and move on.

To me my life seems to just be boring and not as exciting as others seem to be and have a big finish in the end of high school. If only my life wasn’t so complicated then I would have more fun in my life and not be such a scared little kid in a big fair. In my head it seems that it will be better to live a plain life instead of an exciting one that will be full of drama and adventure. If some one had to walk a mile in my shoes it would make them really confused. They would get really scared and it would also freak them out. Then later I realize why I did what I did and what made me want to do it.

I do believe that who ever is reading this now or in twenty-years from now will not really understand what all this is about. Then again it might not make that much since it only really is just all words and talk about what is all in my head at a time like this. I guess that is what happens when you write everything done and then edit it a little while later and type it all up. Make a jumble of things and mix it all up to sound more like a book. I know I am off topic but if I didn’t get this out of my head then I would have a brain full of mess. Though it is not that I am getting it all out of my head but rather writing it on paper and letting someone else know about what I am thinking and feeling all at the same time. A lot to take in I know but oh well.

So anyways I better start wrapping this up so that I can go and eat lunch with my friends since this guy that I want to eat lunch with is taken and doesn’t seem to care that much about me. So I will hang out with my friends and the other people I hang out with. Oh well that is his lose and I don’t have time to deal with losers like him. I mean I like him a lot but I don’t want to spend the time to get him to see what it is that he is missing so I will just hang out with my friends instead.

So that is all that I will tell you. It seems that I am going to be living my life like this. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. Hope you enjoy and maybe just maybe I might change the way I live and make my life better in one way or another. At least that is what I would like to do in the time that I have left. Which I do not know when I will die so let me go and live me life on like other people.