my biggest fear

August 18, 2008
By
my biggest fear is neither fear itself nor the fear that i may fail. my biggest fear is that i may one day become my mother.

and i dont mean my current mother who's lovely though slightly overcontrolling at times. and i dont mean the mother i had before that. or the mother that i had before that. i mean my actual mother. my drug addicted, alcoholic, abusive mother.

dont get me wrong, i am greatful to my mother. i am greatful for what she did because it turned me into the person i am today. i am just ashamed. i am ashamed that i have given her this control over my life that she can neither handle nor deserves. i am ashamed that deep down, i hate the half of me that she contributed to. i am ashamed that she gave me life and then tried to take it away. i am ashamed that i meant so little to her [i was only two, give me a break]. i am ashamed that i'm afraid to unravel like she did [though she may never have been fully there]. i am ashamed that i can say such horrid words and feel nothing but relief because at least i'm talking. i am ashamed that i am ashamed. i am ashamed because so little people know this side of me. the side that i hide deeper than they've ever seen. the side most people wouldn't even guess was there.

i've never tried drugs and i've never had a single drink of anything alcoholic. i tell people this and some look at me like i'm crazy. some tell me that i need to take risks. i used to think that i stayed away from that stuff because i respected my body to much. and in a way, that's true. but now i also realize that i stay away from it because in the back of my mind i know that it could easily consume me. just like it consumed her.

and when it does take hold of me and fails to let go, what if i hurt someone i love more than anything in the world? or what if i hurt someone i should love more than anything in the world but dont?

and what if everything i am is a lie? what if all the hard work i have put forth to make myself who i am was all for nothing? what if i end up being just like her? what if excelling in school, respecting my parents, and strtiving to be better today than i was yesterday ends up all being for nothing? what if it ends up being a simple ploy to distract me from who i really am? what if it's just a front i put up so that no one knows the real me? what if my mother's attributes become my own? what if they already have? what if all i have from here is a uphill battle against myself? what if, in the end, i lose the battle? what if all i end up with is my reflection [and hers] mocking me? mocking who i was meant to be? mocking who i will never be? mocking all that i was meant to do and will never succeed at doing?

i know it's a dumb thought and that many would say my fear is irrational because of what i have already overcome [most of which most people dont even know]. but what if all that i am meant to be is a photocopy of her? a replica of an abusive, addicted person? what if the me you see isnt really me at all? what if she is me?





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