Chocolate Chip Pancakes

August 10, 2008
By Anonymous

The other day, you waved to me from across the street. Came over and asked me how I was doing.

They say every bad experience, is a lesson learned, and all we ever do is live, love and learn. But, if it’s alright by you, I’ve learned enough for this month, and I’d much rather start living now. It’s sad how I’m just another face forgotten for you, and how for me, you are just another memory I don’t enjoy reminiscing on. If you have no expectations, you don’t get hurt. Well sweetie, you hurt me, so do the math. My throat is sore, from all the words I swallowed back down. And my mind, my mind is buzzing with all the thoughts I refuse to think, all the images, I refuse to replay. Cause you see, I want to keep on with my happy disposition, and I don’t want to stop smiling. But thinking about you, well, that would knock this fragile smile of mine right back down. I’ve built a wall, six feet tall, made of metal, not just bricks, and company isn’t let in easily. Indifferent, expectation free, carefree that was me. You changed that all. You musta broken through my wall, just a crack, but still, that crack led rise to a tree full of hopes, a glimmer of ‘hey, maybe this one is good.’ Ha, you fooled me better than all the rest. And you see, I have all these photographs in my mind, which I want to dispose of. So tonight, I’m gonna, because I know that in order to press delete, you must first type .

I remember that morning at the diner. The sky was cloudy, the air humid and thick, with an occasional glimmer of the sun rising above it all. It always rains when we’re together, I said. The gross weather reminds me of you, you joked. We sat in a cluster of grandparents, and you ordered strawberry pancakes; chocolate chip for me. I was too afraid to take even a bite, too afraid to fall victim to chocolate in my teeth. And as we sat there, and you talked about college in Cailifornia, all of this over pancakes and water glasses, I really thought we’d be friends for a long time to come. College, you gone? Who would I talk to, I thought? Keep in touch, I wondered.? Silly, I know. But I’m a freshman girl, my thoughts are still silly, immature and inexperienced. That’s what I am. And I was sad, when I thought back to that morning of chocolate chip and strawberry pancakes. But I’m not anymore. Cause’ see, sometimes we’re wrong about the situations before us. Maybe you weren’t meant to impact my life forever. Maybe, you were meant to come in, teach me a lesson, and swoop back out. And maybe, I have to come to terms with that, and embrace the lesson. What is the lesson? I can’t tell you that yet, but when I figure it out, you’ll be first to know. So thanks for coming, and thanks for leaving. You weren’t meant to be a part of my present, or future,. You left a lesson at my door, and then bolted. And I guess, that sometimes, that’s just fine.

And that’s what I am. Just fine. You weren’t the first, and you won’t be the last. You were just another pit stop on the road of a teenage girl, one who’s growing, learning, and living. You were the first to hold my hand, fingers interlocked as we sat watching another typical, scary movie on my couch. I told you the gory scenes prevented me from eating when I was hungry for days on end, and you said that was the most ridiculous thing you’d ever heard. You were the first to take me out for lunch, just to talk to me. There were pitch black winter nights when you held me, your cigarette smoke floating into my hair. You were the first who actually seemed to care. And that’s why you left me on my knees. Not because I was in love , not even close, with you, but because, for once, I thought that things were good. Your decision blind sighted me, came suddenly out of the left field. And I’m still sitting here, blind sighted, shocked into silence, with only these words to express what I have to say. I expected more from you. I don’t know why, but I did. I expected a friendship, if nothing less. But they say expectations are the first step to disappointment. Guess I was expecting too much, cause for a while, you had me with that sick feeling in my stomach. I still wanna hide behind a folder, but that feeling, the pit less, bottomless feeling in my stomach, that feelings gone. And the yearning to be your friend, the need to see your name on my cell phone screen just one more time, that’s not there anymore. People come and go, and you were just another face that changed with the seasons.

The other day, I saw you from across the street, wearing that shirt I always liked. You waved, and came over.

‘Hey, how are ya?’

I smiled, and walked away.

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