Six Ways This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

December 2, 2012
Urination: a bodily function that is necessary to rid the body of waste. Unfortunately, with the invention of the urinal for men, the technique a man chooses to perform this function has gotten more complicated. Complicated enough to require literal categories of how men pee. In my opinion, there are the six main categories: the “normal,” the “don't hit the water,” the “left the bathroom door open again,” the “just woke up,” the “sniper,” and, finally, the “everywhere.” Although different for every man, the frustration and techniques are the same the world over, and never a day goes by without a new escapade for the everyday, common adventurer.

The “something speedy” is the average everyday visit. Maybe friends are over and you need to be quick, or you just need to go and nothing special is going to happen. These are what we train for – the ­embarrassing months of potty-training ordeals and pictures we just know will be pulled out when we finally bring home a girlfriend. The “everyday” or the “normal,” even the “half-time at the Super Bowl and nothing can go wrong because we men will not miss a single down of that glorious game” are what we men want in our bathroom visits. Get in, get out, nothing crazy, just business. These can take place any time of day, whether after lunch or before dinner, during your favorite show or pit stop between commercials. This is the normal everyman's goal.

The next is a bit trickier. It is the “don't hit the water.” Late at night when you just cannot hold it, no matter what creepy things exist in that short dark walk to the bathroom, you have to go. But upon arrival, you realize that the bathroom is so close to your parent's bedroom that even the least noticeable sound will wake them, leaving you not so happy. In the course of your attempt, you divert to avoid that lake in the center of the toilet and aim for the quiet porcelain wall where not a sound is made. This technique is a bit stressful and requires tactical thinking, even a smidge of ­beforehand planning. But, when performed correctly, the results are worth it every time.

Not one man on this planet can look another in the eye and truthfully say that he loves mornings – not the Saturday morning football game, but the Monday morning wake-up at 5 a.m. That is why the “just woke up” occurs, when legs are not fully awake and the motivation for standing just cannot be found in the dark empty gap of self-pity. So we men do what any good man would do: though this may seem womanish, we turn around and sit down.

The “sniper” most often takes place in public restrooms when there are no other men in the room. Here imagination, and possibly even daring, takes hold. It is a contest between yourself and the distance one man can hit the urinal. It is juvenile and stupid, but honestly, are the women even remotely surprised? This inner conflict between missing and the cleanup and looking like a complete loser has been the bane of restroom cleaning crews since there were public restrooms.

The worst, above all, is without question the “everywhere.” To best illustrate this while keeping it “G-rated,” one can look back at the wonderfully crafted movie “Daddy Daycare.” The small, innocent boy quietly exits the restroom, nonchalantly saunters over to our main character, and whispers in his ear, “I missed.” These events – the stories that late-night horror movies are born from, where a routine trip turns into an hour of cleaning up – are the absolute bane of a man's existence. The worst part about the “everywhere” is that it can strike at any time. An unfortunate “something-speedy” can easily turn into a horrific “everywhere.”

Women need to know that, for men, visiting the restroom is not at all easy. The things that can happen at a moment's notice can change a man's life in a nanosecond, and need to be handled well by both sexes in order to move on in life. Do not complain about men leaving the toilet seat up every so often, because you women have no idea what really happens behind those closed doors.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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