Always Just

July 21, 2008
By Shurooq Khan, Vancouver, ZZ

He is a short, spiky haired cute little boy, or at least he used to be. It seems if I knew him a long time ago, he’s just changed so much. I used to have that cute schoolgirl crush on him. It seems kind of hard to believe now since he isn’t that cute little boy anymore.

Every time I see him, I wonder, what exactly happened, what happened to turn him into what he is now. Last time I knew he was in grade 11 almost finishing high school, ready to branch out into post-secondary, like any other good kid. I used to talk to him a lot, and he knew I liked him, but it didn’t bother him, I like to believe it was because he liked me too. I was 4 years younger, which doesn’t seem like such a big difference now, but at the time, I was in elementary school and he was about to graduate high school. I do remember he used to occasionally talk about alcohol, and his “parties” but I never thought that it would get so bad.

Nowadays, I can probably catch a glimpse of him at 2.00 AM on the beach, smoking pot. Had I known this was his fate, I wouldn’t have let him down so hard. Maybe if I stuck by him, he wouldn’t have taken this path. Maybe not, it could’ve been inevitable, he could’ve pulled me into this web of drugs and alcohol and I would’ve been trapped along with him.

It was one unfortunate day; he decided to finally ask me out. I wasn’t surprised but I was shocked. My parents would never allow, now matter what age, dating in general was a big problem for them. They weren’t even the largest problem right now the main problem was me. I don’t think I could have ever pulled it off. I mean he was pretty gorgeous, and any girl would’ve been angry to see me with him, not only that but it would look pretty awkward, I was just a kid. I don’t think that there was any way to let him down easy. I just did it, and through the worst way possible, through the Internet. It had to be done.

He is now stuck in the gutters. His life seems to be a winding whirlpool of nothing. I see that he has gotten a new girlfriend. I am guessing that they take drugs together now. Every time I see him, there is so much guilt in my eyes. I’ve never stopped wondering what could’ve been. Although I’m sure he has. I wish I could help him, make him understand that he’s being a huge idiot. But I don’t have it in me. After all, to him, I’ll always be a kid, after what I did.

I miss him, love him, and I’ll never forget him.

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