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Hurt

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Wow I cant sleep! I was listening to my i pod while I was in bed. & I shuffled the music and the song, "Better In Time" by Leona Lewis came up, Oh my God it made me cry. I just couldn't keep it in any longer! and i had no one to talk too to let it out. So i got out of my room and went to the kitchen and here I sit, with a pen and paper in front of me. This is the only way of getting it out. I just don't know where to start from.There is so much I got inside of me that I really haven't let out. I hide my pain with smiles. I try to be strong so people cant see the weakness in my eyes. They don't know what i went through. I lie to myself so that I cant remember what really happened and so I can pretend it didn't happen, but at the end of the day, each night, I lay in my bed and listen to music and thats when I remember and feel the pain that I felt. Nobody knows what truly happened and if they knew, I don't know what they would think. They will probably hate me for letting it happen over and over again. I guess you now kinda have the idea of what I'm talking about. Yes being heartbroken is worst than what it sounds. & yea I guess you can say I'm still heartbroken. But its normal, well i think it is after what I went through. This is the story, I know I messed up in leaving him when I still loved him but I had a mother before I ever met him. & he just didn't understand what I was going through. He didn't see that I will get pressured into leaving him and he didn't see the living hell I was living, I had to put up with the yelling and the getting in trouble part. I loved him a lot that i put up wit it but one day I couldn't take it and I decided to call it off. I loved him and i believe i still do because true love doesn't die people decide to end it. Thats the sad part about it. & so does he really deserve me? After what he did? Getting back with me, after i he talked to my mom? and then leaving me because it wasn't the same? Then coming back to me asking me for one more chance because he had realized that he was only confused and realized he loves me still? and then leaves me again? Does he deserve me? I honestly don't think he does. But then if i know he doesn't deserve me why do I miss him so much and still want him when there are other guys out there wanting a chance with me? Why him out of all of them? Is It because he was my first boyfriend or is it because hes the love of my life? Or am I just confusing my feelings? I don't think I am confusing them. I know they are real and I am sure they will never change no matter if I'm with some different guy I know they will still be there & I know he is feeling the same as me. I know he knows that he messed up on me and he will be hurt and he will cry because he did wrong. I don't know if I can forgive him? & I know i was stupid in believing his lies. My heart aches really bad. In other words its broken into little pieces. I just don't understand why the person who says he loves you would hurt you so much and breaks your heart. & how can he move on from one day to another? Is that even possible? I don't think so at least not for me. Am i feeling hate towards him? Yes probably I am but my heart and mind still wants him? Why? Theres nothing special about him but I only seem to want him. I don't know but I'm gonna keep doing what I do. I'm going to pretend those feelings aren't there. I'm going to smile and laugh even though I feel this and I'm going to keep fooling everyone. I'm going to make them believe that nothing is wrong and everything is good. Because I believe I'm good at that.
& as for him one day he will realize that he misses me and it will be too late. & he will always regret leaving me and every 24th and every October 24th he will cry, he will be heartbroken, he will miss me and he will realize how much he loves me. He might get with one new girl but he will see he made a mistake and will come back to me and ask me back. & from there I'll see what i will do. I don't think i will want to hurt him. because it will feel bad. I don't want no one to feel what I'm feeling. If me and him were ever meant to be he will try his hardest to put me back in his life. I will have to gain his trust. & it will come back at its own time..
Sigh.. I feel relieved. I haven't told no one about this and the only person I think I would tell would probably be my sis Carmen and Michael
because not even my mom or brother knows about this and if they ever were to find out they would kill me. But i learned from my mistakes and hopefully I wont let it happen again.





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