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Because I'm a girl
I pulled out my old diary in my closet. Carefully, I turned the pages and started writing on the blank paper. Tears started running through my cheeks.
This is where I can spill my hearts out. It can listen to my problems all day and all night long. It serves as my crying shoulder. I can share all my misery and my deep thoughts. My full time friend that listens and stays by my side whenever, wherever. When I have no one to talk to or when I don’t want to share what I feel to others, I can always write it on my diary.
It seems like yesterday was the first time I fell in love. I fell deeply in love… for the first time in my life! It came so fast until I realized I love you so much. Just like a fairytale in a fairytale book- I met my prince charming. Whenever I see you, I thought I heard background music. My life would stop for 5 seconds whenever you pass by. Once, I saw you at ball practice- undressed, wearing only blue baggy shorts and your hunk body was sweating out- I can’t breathe! What a hunk! Maybe it’s just attraction, infatuation or admiration that I feel, maybe. But I’m not sure. I can’t resist looking at your pretty face, those gorgeous eyes that seems to twinkle whenever our eyes met. Your hunk body that makes all those girls cheer and other boys make jealous. I’m in love. I’m in love.
It was the first time. The fact that I was always busy with my home works, projects, reports, term papers, thesis, drama presentations, student council meetings, cheer dance practice and a lot more extra curricular activities made my schedules so hectic. I couldn’t have enough for having a B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D. I have a very difficult school work.
Clumsily I carried my books while holding my small umbrella. I thought it would never rain today. Thirty minutes ago the weather seems so fine.
Simplicity of the pouring rain reminds me of you. They fall like my lonely tears. I miss you. I can’t hide the pain that I feel. Do you recall that one rainy afternoon when we were in senior high?
Two years ago, the day we first met. I was hurrying for school that time. My shoes were already soaked up. My blouse and skirt was getting wet. But the rain doesn’t really care. Heavily, it poured. I was about to run when someone called my attention. It was you. I was surprised! You begged to please join me in my umbrella. I was getting wet; you’re already soaked up. Of course, I let you. You’re my ultimate crush! The first time I saw you at our school gym playing basketball, I knew I loved you. And that’s a secret. No one knows that except for me.
Though my umbrella was too small for two people too fit in, you didn’t really mind. The cold rain gave me a shivering feeling and I know you noticed that. You cuddled. Goose bumps appeared and I tried to hide it. I don’t have an idea why we didn’t talk with each other. Why I didn’t grab the chance to ask you about nothing important. But I want you to know that I really treasured that moment.
It was the first “kilig” moment I shared with you. Before we realized we were already at the school gate. I closed my umbrella when we we’re about to enter the hallway. You gave me a smile and said thank you. The next thing I did is to watch until you entered class room.
It was the beginning.
A few days later, I started receiving empty messages in my cell phone. I ignored it.
One afternoon, I went to the library to make a research about my report, Greek Mythology. Fortunately, I found the book I’ve been looking for. I occupied a seat at the corner of the library, away from the entrance door. So I won’t get disturbed whenever someone comes in. As I turned the pages of the book, I didn’t notice someone sit beside me. I looked up. It was you. First, you just smiled. Then, you blurted out. You’re the one who was sending empty messages. You want to court me. I thought I heard that background music again, this time it’s instrumental.
Everyday you would wait for me after cheer dance practice. I glimpse at you every minute to check if you’re still there waiting. I thought you might get bored. Sometimes I caught you staring at me while dancing, sometimes talking with your buddies who were passing by, sometimes texting and looking at your watch.
I was surprised by your nonstop messages I received every morning, lunch, dinner and midnight!
You come with me to the library to help me some of my research works, even if it took hours. You carry my books. You carry my bag.
You were always there. We were always together.
I enjoyed everything! From solving Math equations, writing your report, reviewing for exams, doing home works, accomplishing projects and doing a thesis.
We talk. I giggled. You laugh. I told you funny random stories. We shared a gossiping secret. And hold hands for the very first time. I lay my head on your shoulder and let me take a rest. You carry me once when I refused to walk on a muddy road. We ate French fries on our first date and made a toast then drunken pineapple juice. We talk, talk and talk.
Hours, days and months passed, but you haven’t asked me yet to be yours. I supposed you’re giving up.
Summer season began. Classes were over; we didn’t see each other that much. I’m so busy with my summer job and you on the other hand were practicing basketball most of the time. You joined the Mayor’s Cup. Though were both busy, we still have time to call or text each other everyday. You reminded me not to over work and to take a rest. I began to miss you. I became concerned, as if I’m your girlfriend already.
I would remind you to: Have fun at ball practice, or to take a goodnight sleep, to take a rest after the day, to change clothes when you’re all sweat out, to take aspirin when you have headache, to drink a lot of juices and to take good care of yourself when I’m not around. Hmmm, do I sound like you Mom? =)
At the 4th of April, one o’clock in the morning, you called and asked me to be yours. You said you’ve learned to love me so much that you can’t help it. You said you miss me like crazy. You said you need me. You said you want me. You said. You said.
I didn’t hesitate. Or even made second thoughts… my heart said, ‘YES”.
Those years and months of love and sweetness, I admit I felt things that I can no longer feel. Butterflies in my stomach, goose bumps, crazy love… But this passed few days; I just realized that I’m just the one who’s trying to get that relationship work out. I love you and I will always do.
The pieces fall into its places, you don’t love me enough. I believe, if one has a true love. He’ll never really hurt her. How could I be so blind?
I suppose you have forgotten those times when I used to whisper in your ears the words, “I love you”
I used to hold your hands in front of my friends.
I hug you when you’re tired, when you’re embarrassed, when you’re lonely, when you’re scared…
I kissed you a million times to remind you how special you are to me. How important.
I have written so many letters for you.
I call you three times a day to check if you’re alright.
I listened to your problems and gave advice.
After my whole day’s work, I tried to bring you something like you’re favorite food.
I end up babying you so much.
I tried to take good care of you when you’re sick. I bring you medicine.
I stay awake just to hear you breathing; watch you smile while you are sleeping.
I was always there to watch you’re every game-to cheer for you.
I have a hard time trying to get the perfect taste of my handmade fruitcake I gave you.
I tried to keep quiet when we argue.
I tried accepting your wrong doings.
I forgave your million mistakes.
I gave chances a hundred times. And a hundred times again.
I waited for your call but didn’t come.
I waited a text from you, but I haven’t received one.
I made it up in the pouring rain just to wait for you.
I waited an hour, hours, hours… you didn’t come.
I walk home-alone and crying.
I love you still.
Last night, I was alone in my room when I suddenly felt your embrace. Loneliness in me spread all over my body. Memories of you are still haunting me.
Why does it need to be like this? I closed my eyes. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself beside you. We were at the beach. You reached for my hand and invited me to take a walk. The warm sand tickled my feet as we walk on the white beach. Life is so perfect whenever I’m with you. Under the warm sunlight, the cool breeze of the wind and smell of fresh cut coconuts- you gave me a very sweet kiss. I shut my eyes so I could savor this wonderful feeling. When I opened it, you’re gone. It’s just a memory. I’m alone again.
I often wonder why your memories keep visiting me. There were times that I wished that I want to have amnesia so I won't be able to remember everything-especially you! All those pains, heartaches and crying times would be erased. I won't be bothered. I won't ask myself the endless question why? Why? Why did you left me? I will have the privilege to start all over again. But when that happens, though the worst memories would surely be erased... Those happy memories would be forgotten too! Those memories that keep burning in my heart, the memories I treasured so much, my priceless possession and something I keep holding on. I just can't let it go.
This is my first day without you. Things were so different. When I woke up this morning I eagerly look for my cell phone. No text message from you. I sit beside the telephone the whole day to wait for your call. I was surprised to receive a call from… the telephone service to remind me the cut-off date. The mailman had rung the door bell twice today. I thought you’re still as sweet as before when I received a letter. Unfortunately, it’s not from you. I took a walk this evening to feel the warm hug of the night. I remembered the night we first hold hands, walking side by side. I tried not to drop a single tear. Why do I still miss you every single second of my life? As I lay my head tonight I pray that you‘ll be alright. I want you to know that I still love you though you hurt me so much.
I went in front of the mirror. I look so stressed! Then I thought for a moment… what would I want to tell to myself?
Girl, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with your ex. It’s over. He’s gone. He left you. You need to learn your lesson. You have to move on and I know you can make it. You still have your friends around who are always there to care, understand and to love you.
I know it’s not that easy. The moments you’ve spent together aren’t easy to forget. Especially, if you’re in a situation that you still see each other at school. You hate to be lonely, you want to get over and you want forget him, right? We’ll cheer up big girl, here’s a tip for you! Be a campus figure. Be a head turner at school. For sure you’ll get everybody’s attention, especially your ex’s. You can only make it happen if you’ll study extra-hard. For instance, if you’re one of the outstanding students in your class, I’ll bet you’ll have many suitors. See, you’ll achieve something and you can even prove to your ex-boyfriend that you do have a life without him.
That did it! I must go on.
Broken? I am. But I learned so much. And I believe I’ll learn to love again despite a broken heart!