That Girl in the Hall

July 22, 2008
By Laura Fixman, Toronto, ZZ

There are things that one doesn’t do. Things that are, you know, not hot. How do I learn about that stuff you may ask? Well, if you have to ask, you’re a looser. I learned it the same way anybody learns everything, through TV. My mom says I’m not allowed to watch certain things, but as if I listen to her. Most of my time is spent watching serious, important shows, like the Simple Life. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are the smartest people ever. I definitely plan on spending my life doing important things like they do, things that will change the world. I want to be the hottest, the coolest, the inest, and Paris and Nicole are the ones to show me the way.

If you pay attention to people like them carefully enough, you’ll see that they have certain rules you should live by, if you want to be as great as they are. If you don’t follow these rules, you’ll just die. Well, not for real, but a social death, which is way worse. Without guidance of all the hot TV people, I would never have learned how to navigate the shopping jungle. The other girls are like lions, they’re so vicious. If you’re not careful, they can claw your eyes out for that Hollister sweater. It’s like what that scientist dude said, survival of the fittest, or whatever. Of course, it has to be Hollister. All the hottest people have the most expensive brand names. It lets other people know how hot you are. All they have to do is look at the name written on your shirt. That’s just a given.

Shopping does require money. I would never get something as stupid as a job for that. Jobs are for, like, poor people. Besides, I might sweat, and sweating makes me breakout. If anyone saw me with a zit, I might as well get thick glasses and join the chess club, before the people even hotter than me, the hottest of the hot, tear me limb from limb. I’ve gotten begging daddy for money down to a science. Although of course real science is so like lame, and if you’re not failing that, you’re the biggest geek. First you do the sad eyes, which are not ‘I’m dying’ kind of sad, but more ‘Why don’t you love me enough to give me money for that sweater I desperately need’ eyes. The you chose the words very carefully. It has to be like, “Daddy, I love you so much. You’re the most bestest daddy in the world and I’ll be extra super good if you just give me that money.”

The begging is like so totally the easy part. The hot girls only go into the coolest store. I would never be caught dead in a poor people store, like Wal-Mart. I could catch some of those poor people germs. I heard they’re really contagious. So first you find the piece of clothing with the biggest brightest logo, like of Hollister or Abercrombie, or something. It’s like a big flashing sign on your chest that say ‘I’m better than you, because look at what I can buy.’ If you’re going to be hot, you might as well flaunt it. I understand hiding if you’re ugly or fat, but when you’re like me, it’s important to be out there.

There are certain things that clothes just have to have, if you want to be the next Paris. I know that the clothes need to show as much skin as possible, without getting charged with public nudity. Covering all the essential private parts is really all you need. The size also just has to be a 0. Sizes that are real numbers are for fat people. The worst thing you can ever call a girl is fat. The point is to look like a Barbie doll. I have never seen a fat person on TV. It’s like they make the camera explode or something. That’s why I always have to bring friends to the jungle of the shopping mall with me. If I ask them if these jeans make my but look big, they tell if it honestly looks as big as an elephant. They’re just nice that way.

Everybody knows that eating is like so last year. Thin is the new black. Eating actual food is for fat people. Today, I so had more than 500 calories, that is so not sexy. I plan on never weighing in the triple digits. Again, fat is not hot. After shopping, we like always go out for lunch. Not like we eat. Maybe some salad or whatever. I’m on this thing, where I eat stuff that is green. Lunch is where we dish the dirt. You know, all the juicy gossip about the lesser life forms; nerds, geeks, losers. Basically, everyone who isn’t us.

It is so important to know who’s hooking up with who, or who smokes what, or other life changing facts like that. Knowing every little thing about everyone else is way more important than stupid stuff like history or chemistry. That’s all you really need to know if you want to be hot. You’re in with the cool people if you say bad things about others. You also need to have money, or act like you do, show lots of skin, and be as thin as you possibly can. I never said it was easy, that’s just the rules, and as you can see, I follow them. It’s easy, with all those shows, and magazines, and movies. They give you step by step instructions on how to be hot. Being sexy is like…the only way to go. If you follow the rules to sexiness, you can turn guys into your mindless zombie slaves; well, more mindless than they are already.

My mom gets so mad at me when I spend all daddy’s money, or I don’t eat her disgusting calorie filled food for dinner, or I show too much of my legs. She acts like I’m such a baby. I don’t get what’s wrong with admiring Paris Hilton anyways. She’s so cool, and rich and successful. If I be like her, everyone will like me. My mom wants me to be all loser like. Doesn’t she get that I don’t need to study, or whatever, to be successful. I just have to be hot, and I’ve pretty much got that covered. So what if I’m only 12, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid.

Yeah, when I was little, I used to want to be president. But since when have you seen a president that was hot? That idea is so last year.

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