My Worst Fear

October 11, 2012
By , Wilmington, NC
It all began when I was just a little under two years old. My mom had just been diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma cancer. She was only 32 and had three children to look after. My older brother Michael and sister Courtney were three and five at the time. We were all so young when she was diagnosed and never understood completely how bad it was until about two years ago. At that point I knew I could lose my mom easily and it was as if the whole world was coming to an end. There was never a moment that I lost hope for her because she was a true fighter and I knew she could do it.

Two years ago is when my siblings and I realized how bad our mom’s condition was. She had been fighting for ten years at the time and was still going strong. She showed us to never give up on hope and the true meaning of inspiration. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing she was and I am incredibly blessed to have been able to call her my mom. She recently died September 1, 2012, on my 14th birthday. We had been expecting it to happen for a while but she was holding on for a special reason and she made it for my birthday. She also had held on so long to see my sister, Courtney graduate high school and go to college at ECU.

My mom was my best friend and I still think of her as it even though she is gone. I still talk to her as if she is here and I know she is listening just she can’t reply back. She always had the right advice or thing to say to me to make me feel better. I always knew I could talk to her about anything no matter what it was because she was the person I trusted the most. I wish I could of took her place and take all her pain away just so she could be pain free. She meant everything to me and still does. I know she is my mom but I always thought of her more like my best friend. My relationship with her was indescribable and meant so much to me.

I can try and try to describe how incredible my mom was but you’ll never get the full understanding of how important she was to many people. She was truly an inspiration to everyone she knew as well as people she didn’t know personally. Her fight for her life went on for twelve years and not everyone can say they know a fighter like her. She was a great wife, amazing mother to three children, and a friend to many! It was a real blessing being able to have called her my mom and she always will be just not in the same way.

There is not a single second since my mom has passed that I am not thinking of her and how much I miss her. I never knew what it felt like to miss someone so much to the point it hurts. Its like my whole heart has just been ripped right out of me, literally. All the memories I have shared with her will be cherished for the rest of my life. Like the late nights I went to Hospice with my brother and sister and all the laughs we shared with her. Or the times we brought my little baby cousin Colbie and she would light up my mom’s world! Or when my family and I would be talking about something and she was just but in about a completely different thing. Then we would all start laughing at her and she would get upset because she was confused. She was quite the comedian some nights! Even during our toughest times my mom would have a smile on her face and always had some silly joke to tell.

No one will ever understand the relationship I shared with my mom, its one of those relationships that are rare and so cherishable. Ever since I was young we always were close and I would always brag about how she was my best friend and how much I loved her. Little things I miss the most are our daily conversations about life, our mommy daughter days where we just watched movies all day, and texting her everyday just about the stupidest things. I can hear her laughing right now just thinking about the things we use to talk about. Like when I got a bad grade on a test or quiz and I would text her how upset I was and she would be saying it’s ok, you’ll be fine. I miss our daily conversations we had the most.

My mom was that kind of mom who everyone thought of as a second mom and loved her to death. She treated my siblings friends and mine like they were her own and never once let us down. Whenever they needed advice or anything they came to my mom because she always knew exactly the right things to say and help the situation. If things were tough she always would be the one saying everything is going to be all right and we will get through it together. I don’t know how when things got so hard she was so strong but I hope to be just like her when I get older. I can’t wait to tell my children how amazing their grandma was.

Although she fought cancer for twelve years I never doubted that she wouldn’t make it because she was so strong. She was like an angel sent from heaven and I really do believe that. I thought she would make it all the way and keep beating that horrible thing we call cancer. Her doctors always told us she was a fighter and she could beat it. She was the strongest person everyone knew and was one of a kind. Now she is gone and I am still shock. I ask myself everyday how I am still going strong but it’s really her way of showing me I can do this and she will be with my through every step of the way.

Even though her life was cut very short and wasn’t easy she made the best of it. She had a great family and three amazing children who she loved to the moon and back a million times. She influenced each and every person she knew by her fight for her life and her attitude. No matter what the circumstances were she had a smile on her face and made everyone laugh. I don’t know how she handled everything and still had a smile on her face but that was just how she was. That’s why she is such an inspiration to so many people and my hero. She is what gets me through everyday and I want to be just like her when I get older.

R.I.P Mommy
September 1, 2012

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