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How to Slip Away Unnoticed from a Bad Date This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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Imagine sitting in a restaurant, trapped by a strange, slightly disturbing young man relaying boring anecdotes. How would you escape from such a situation? By slipping away unnoticed.

First, identify the most inconspicuous escape route from the ladies’ restroom. Next, plan a way to alter your appearance while enduring the saga of his triumph at a “mathletes” competition. Once you have a plan of action, politely excuse yourself to use the restroom.

In the quiet solitude of the bathroom, utilize all objects at your disposal. Using the items in your bag, apply thick makeup and add age lines so he won’t recognize you. (I would suggest as a safety precaution to always pack an eye pencil, makeup remover, and possibly a wig in a large handbag when embarking on a blind date.)

When your face no longer looks familiar, concentrate on altering your body shape. Consider stuffing toilet paper in your shirt, down your pants, or around your midsection to transform your lithe figure into that of a frumpy old maid. After padding yourself, change what you can about your clothes. Roll up pants or shirt sleeves, or take off a jacket. Don’t hesitate to steal articles of clothing from the person in the next stall. Again, toilet paper can be handy for gagging your victim and securing her in the stall.

All right, so now you no longer look like yourself. What next? Before leaving the restroom, practice walking differently with a very unpleasant, simpering look on your face. Limping and slouching can work nicely. Accompanied by a foul expression on your face, your date almost certainly won’t notice you.

After perfecting your new persona, carefully leave the bathroom and take the discreet path to the exit that you mapped out earlier. If you feel unsure of your disguise, avoid all eye contact. However, if you feel confident in carrying out your ruse (or sure that you could outrun your pale, skinny date), lock eyes with him as you head triumphantly out the door. What can the poor fellow do anyway?

Have you successfully exited the restaurant? Congratulations! Now you may strip off the disguise and, if you are in a particularly benevolent mood, ask a passerby to return the “borrowed” clothing to the unfortunate soul bound and gagged in the ladies’ room.

Once again, imagine yourself sitting in a restaurant trapped by a strange, slightly disturbing young man relaying boring anecdotes. Instead of panicking, calmly pull out this article and secretly read it while pretending that your date is enthralling you with his latest gigabyte-related story. Very confidently, with an action plan in place, excuse yourself to use the restroom.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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This article has 5 comments. Post your own!

~*The-Broken-Hearted-Girl*~ said...
Aug. 20, 2009 at 11:17 pm:
this was hilarious! :)
 
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emvoch said...
Feb. 27, 2009 at 10:05 am:
Excellent and hilarious. A spy in the making! A master of the ruse and disguise!!
 
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tweedle dee said...
Feb. 21, 2009 at 8:01 pm:
ha ha this was funny!
 
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Mackattack said...
Feb. 17, 2009 at 12:39 am:
Ahahaha I wish I had this a while back! Could have come in handy!
 
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DisturbedPerson said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 3:35 pm:
haha that was funny.... good read!
 
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