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The Debate Team
There was once an idea to fake idiocy for the sake of comedy. This is not exactly an original idea, but it’s comedic potency is never diminished. Unfortunately, I digress. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Brody, and my shop teacher and I had the idea to recruit a team of gifted comedians and form a fake debate team.
It all started one monday morning, Mr. Vrieze (my shop teacher) and I were having another wit sharpening session of senseless banter. Now this in itself is not out of the ordinary, it was the topic that was remarkable. We were debating about whether metal floats. The whole concept is that the statement is so remarkably stupid that if you can defend the argument with a straight face, it would be funny. This is how I formed the thought of starting a debate team, because everybody in the class thought it was hilarious, and to me, it was. I chose the side of metal does not float, and Vrieze chose the side that it does. Now consider the positions you have to defend, the things you have to say to stand up for this.
Now imagine this conversation happening at a real meeting between debate teams: “The topic is : does metal float? Begin.”
Student 1. “Metal does not float.”
Student 2. “It most certainly does”
Student 1. “How could you possibly defend such an unfounded, blatantly false
Student 2. “You ever seen a boat, or an oil rig? They float, they’re metal, QED, metal
Student 1. “No, they displace water to create bouancy”
Student 2. “No, I'm pretty sure metal floats.
Student 1. Gravity doesn't exist
Student 2. Really? Is this guy for real?
Student 1. Well we cant see it, so it must not exist.
Student 2. Then why don’t things just fly off the earth?
Student 1. Because they’re heavy, duh! Of course a car isn't going to fly, it’s to heavy. Where did you go to school?
For my fellow debaters, the simple pleasure of debating such a obviously false statement, seeing the enemy debaters struggle to retaliate to your unflappable composure and absurd reasonings, would simply be too funny to contain. Along with the savage pleasure of discomposing anyone that is enough of a snob to actually be on a debate team would leave you with a cocky, self satisfied feeling.
I am relatively new in the field of fake debating, but I have come up with a few tips and rules to help hilarity ensue.
1. Keep reason out of the equation. If you get too reasonable, the comedy will disappear. You need to field as ridiculous an argument that you can come up with for the defense of your position.
Never be prepared. Aside from remembering the tips for successfully bantering your opponent into submission, don’t prepare for your argument. Originality is key. To optimize ridiculousness, you must come up with your material completely on the spot.
I know I just said never be prepared, but I am going to contradict myself. It would be a good idea to watch some footage of comedians performing to put you in a good mood and also to observe the way they are funny.
Speak the unexpected. If nobody expects you to say something, and you say it, it may well be a funny moment.
Denial. Simply denying your opponents argument with a passive statement like, “No, oxygen definitely burns, why else would there be a no open flame sticker on the tank?” This will infuriate them, and it will be absolutely hysterical.
Use opinion statements. Your opinion is a powerful weapon. It is difficult to debate and your opponent wont want to be rude by insulting it. This is prime debate territory for a genius in idiot’s character. Use statements like: “Pretty sure”, “Don’t think so”, and “There’s no way thats true.”
I urge all of you who read this to attempt to debate a classmate or colleague on some manner of controversial topic. If you can keep the smile from popping to your lips, they won’t know you are joking, they will be confused, and their reaction will be classic, they might even panic. It would be very funny to witness for anyone in on the joke. I am not responsible for any idiocy that is imparted on your reputation in the use of the fake debate strategy.