Scars On Her Heart

May 2, 2012
By Anonymous

She grew up sad, she just hid it well. She always felt unwanted, mistreated, she felt like she was a burden. Her dad left when she was two he thought he could find better happiness at the bottom of the bottle, drugs, and sex from strangers. She was two so she didn’t understand it then as well as her older siblings did. She was five when he stopped coming around all together. That day he had promised to take them to the zoo but he was too consumed in the drugs and alcohol to care about the kids he promised to love and care for. That day when she realized he was never coming back she hurt so badly as if he had just put a scar on her heart.

Men came and went her mother swore that she loved them and that the men loved her but in reality they didn’t. they beat her and her mother everyday she watched her siblings fight to keep each other safe while her mother sat there too afraid to be alone to stand up to the men that were beating her children. The scars on her body never amounted to the pain to the ones on her heart. The pain never faded she just had to find ways to hide it.

She was six when her mom remarried he was an alcoholic, he abused the girls mom, sister and brother, he treated the girl well like his own daughter. She was beaten sometimes but she loved him and d would rather have more scars on her body then on heart. All she wanted was the nice happy family like her friends had. She might have had it if not for the drugs and the alcohol making people she loved not able to feel the same back, just completely consumed by their own mistakes and flaws that they take it out on someone else or just simply forget how to care about how the person feels.

Night after night she watched as her family was beaten by someone who couldn’t control the monster within him, so she stopped crying when she was beaten she just sat there and knew crying wouldn’t help stop the pain. It confused her how by day things were completely different no one yelled or screamed just acted as if everything was fine. Is this how it works she would wonder? By day hide from the monster that addiction had created and night get beaten by it. After her mother divorced him men came and went and then she married her third husband. He was worse than her mother’s second husband he was an alcoholic and addicted to meth and pills.

He was good to them at first but things quickly changed. He got verbally abusive to the girl and she was tired of being mistreated by the men her mom was with so she stood up for herself. It didn’t help. When he started yelling at her she would yell back, she refused to let him make her feel weak. But the truth was that she was weak. She wasn’t weak for standing up for herself she was weak for the scars on her heart and for how badly inflamed they would get but what made her the weakest was how she tried to fix the scars.

She spent her whole life getting more scars on her heart then she did on her body. When she was still with her mom she was angry all the time, and practically raised herself. She was tired of being angry all the time. So she turned to drugs.
When she was growing up she watched all these people doing drugs clinging to them like they were their life raft keeping them from going under. She felt like she needed a life raft she felt like she was going under.

She snorted pills at school so she could feel numb long enough to get home. When she would get home she would try and avoid going home. So she would go to her neighbors and smoke pot and snort more pills. She went home high enough not to care. She just sat there and listened to the yelling and screaming but never had the urge to react.

When her mom told her they we’re moving, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know anyone there, she needed her life raft and she couldn’t get it there. Moving there unable to be numb, things got bad she didn’t have the ability to take it anymore and she was tired of it.

Her and her mom got into an argument one night it affected everything. Her mom kicked her out because of her husband. The girl was clean she hadn’t done drugs in a month, and her mom chose a druggy who treated everyone bad over her own daughter. She felt worse than a druggy. She felt like she was nothing like she was useless and there was no point to her existents. This put a scar on her heart but her heart was the last thing on her mind her mom had never made her feel this way. She was afraid and felt like she was drowning. But she did leave.

But even though she was hurt she didn’t let it hold her down, if you go see her now you will see a girl that’s been clean for almost a year a girl that puts school first and most important a girl that doesn’t let people make her feel like nothing because she has scars on her heart and she doesn’t want anymore.

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