Final Words

February 29, 2012
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The Day Before.............

“ I can't wait until I get this surgery tomorrow then i'l have my voice back and i'll show ya'll I can really sing.”
“Momma why are you going to the hos[ital again, I forgot”.
“I'm going to get surgery for my theiroid before it spreads and gets worse”.
“ Oh how long will you be in the hosipital”.
“ I don't know”.
Then my stepdad walks into the living room, having overheard our conversation, he says “ We don't know how long she's going to be in the hospital, but it's supposed to be a quick surgery. When she gets out it'd be best if ya'll didn't bother her to give her time to heal and rest.
That day was very short not much went on.

…...................The Morning of The Surgery.......................

It's Thursday May 19th , 2011 it's, I believe, 6:47am everyone is sleep except me, my mom, and my stepdad. I was in the restroom taking a shower. They were in their room getting ready to go to the hosipital. This is one of the things I hate about how she died. Not one of us got to say goodbye or I love you. My brother's and sister were sleep so all they got was a kiss on the head. I was in the restroom drying off so I got a half hug out the crack of the door. That morning I never would've thought I would never see my mom again, or that she'd be forever gone. Believe me if I knew I would've came out the bathroom naked, I mean it's nothing she's never seen before, just to give my mom a proper goodbye. I would give my life to go back to that morning to give my mom a kiss, an I love you, and a hug I would never let go of. That's what I think to myself everyday.

…............... 2 Days Later.....................

We finally get to go see my mom at the hosipital, but we get there and my stepdad says to us, “When ya'll get in here your mom does not look like herself but she id your mom so don't be scared”. So we get in the room she was in and she doesn't look like herself. I didn't believe this was my mother, that's how much it didn't look like her. I thought it was a joke or a prank. It wasn't long before I realized this wasn't a joke nor was it a prank this was REAL.
I really how to explain how she looked. The color was like the color of her skin mixed with a swollen purple and a sore red. Her face looked like it had been blown up, it look like if you touched it it would pop. But her face felt the exact opposite it wasn't puffy it was hard and swollen. Her hands were where blistered and skin had torn in certain places. I raised up the sheet to see her legs and feet, that was the scary part because her feet and the lower part of her legs were not purple but a blackish purple. Then we saw her stomach I believed this pissed us all off. Her stomach was cut open, they didn't stitch it up or anything, all they did was take gauges and tape gauges to her stomach.
They tell me she can hear me, they tell me to talk to her, but they also tell me she's braindead and probably won't be able to understand much when she wakes. So I think to myself why would I talk to her if she's braindead and can't make out what i'm saying to her. I regret thinking that because how did I know if she could hear me or not that could have been my chance to tell her I loved her. But I didn't take it.
I'm saying this because like a month after she died I had a dream, I had a dream they were telling us to talk to her, I talked to her. I told her I loved her, and I told her not to leave, and she didn't.

…..................Sunday May 22nd , 2011.....................

We were sleeping it was about 9:25am when my aunt woke us up. She told us to get ready so we could go up to the hosipital. I asked her what happened, she said nothing everything's the same, but I knew she was lying.
We rode to the hosipital in silence. I think every last one of us felt that our life's were about to change forever.
So we got in the hosipital, the death, medicine, and sickness filled my nose, I hate the hosipital. We made our way to the elevator and went to the 2nd floor. When we got in there we saw our stepdad crying in the waiting area. My brothers and I went to join him to see what was wrong. He got us together and said to us I love ya'll and I don't ever want ya'll to forget that. He said something else I can't quite remember. What I do remember is continuously asking him” Is she dead, is she dead, is she dead” , until he finally answered me. As soon as he said yes tears fell from my eyes . The only thing you could hear over the sobs of our crying were the clamorous yell of my brother R.E.AL saying “ Momma , Momma, Come Back, Momma”. My other brother Sirperriyawn, before we got the news was eating a cookie, the cookie was now trampled 100 tiny pieces maybe even more. My grandma told us the cause of the death. She said “ When your mom got her surgery they messed up, whenthey messed up she became completely brain dead. She couldn't on her own, she couldn't speak, she had no emotions, she couldn't open her eyes, she couldn't hear us and even if she could she couldn't understand or respond to us. She had three heartattacks she survived the first 2, but on the last one she could not come back”. My mom died Sunday May 22, 2011 at 9:09am. I don't care what anyone says my mom went to heaven. I believe this because, it was sunny outside ( I believe that means she saw the light), it was sunny but at the same time it was raining I belive those where her tears, my last set of evidence, she died on a Sunday.

…......................Later That Night........................

Everybody, meaning evrybody in our family, was at our house. We had a big house so it wasn't problem having so many people there. People came from Mississippi, South Carolina, Evansville, Chicago and other states. I was the only kid there that was my mother's child. My brother's and sister was at my aunt's house. I stayed out my room. I tried to stay around people as much as possible. When I did go to my room I cried myself to sleep. My pillow was drenched in salty tears. When she dided I went through this, I believe it was a phase, but I just started seeing my mom in everybody's eyes. Everyone begin to look like her, I don't know why I guess it was like a part of the healing process. But it will take forever and a day to heal from this. My cousin Ciera, I never noticed this bfore, but she looked almost exactly like my mom. Her gap, the way her eyes were squinted and small, the way the structure of her cheekbones were set almost just like my mom's. I don't know if I was halucinating, but as soon as I realized how alike they looked, I suddenly had the urge to be around her 24/8. I had to realize this is not my mother she won't always be there. She looks like my mom but I can't expect the things from her that I got from my mom.i had to understand this is not my mother.
My baby brothers Jimmel, 4 yrs old, and Jeremiah, 3 yrs old, didn't know my mom was dead. But I didn't, I couldn't, I wouldn't believe she was either. But sometimes you have to face reality, so at this point I would rather be in a fantasy.

...........................The Next Day ….............................

It's Monday the day after the death, I am the only child in the house that went to school today. I went because I thought being in school around different people would get my mind off of things. It kind of did, the people at the school were treating me like they were my slaves. I didn't really like that I don't like for anyone to fell like they have to do anything for me. But I took the generosity. I remember crying a lot at school but noone saw and thats what I wanted. When I got home that afternoon my brother's and sister weren't there, they were still at my aunt's they didn't feel comfortable at the house without my mom there. My baby brother's were there though, I went up to my baby brother bent down on one knee so I could have eye contact, and I asked him, “ Do you know where mommy is”.
and he replied saying “Yes”.
I said “ Where is she then”.
“ She's at work”.
“ No she's not”.
“ Yes she is”.
“ No she's not she's dead”.
“No she's not she's at work”.
“No she's not go ask your daddy”.
He went to go ask his daddy and all I heard was him screaming I went in the room and saw he was crying. My other brother Jimmel already knew. Somehow admitting it to my brother cleared a place in me almost as if at that very momment I admitted it to myself.
When Tuesday came my stepdad called my aunt and told her to send the kids home. When they got there he said “Tonight is the last night that you will stay at your aunt's house, starting tommorrow we will all go to school and we'll sit at the table and have dinner together like we did before your mom died. The thing is Jimmy, our stepdad, never ate at the table with us it was always my mom who did that. So my brother's sister went back over my aunt's and I stayed home like I was already doing. Later that night I went to check on Jimmy and I found him on the floor crying. I went up to him and did the same thing I did whenever I saw my mom crying, I asked him if he wanted a hug and I gave him a great big hug. I let him cry in my arms, and I cried to. Honsetly I needed that hug and that cry just as much as he did. That night just the same as the past two nights I ddn't get any sleep. I cried all night, and in the morning it felt like it had stormed and I was left out on the street. I was left to be drenched in humid rain. I continued to see my mom, I never dreamed of her though. Which I found strange because my brother's and sister dreamed about her.


People kept telling me that it's ok she's in a better place now. I guess that didn't matter to me at the time because, I wasn't in a better place. I wouldn't be in a better place until I was with my mom again. Then they always say everything happens for a reason. So I guess leaving the only place that I know as home is the right thing. And being taken away from my baby brother's that i'll only probably get to see every other year.I don't think this happened for a reason. I don't belive this was GOD's will. I believe this was an accident, and I don't believe it was my mother's time, but that's what everybody says anytime someone dies, “she wasn't ready, it wasnt her time”. I always found it annoying, but now I know what they meant.
After she died I was sort of angry at my grandma and great grandma, I was angry because they were supposed to die before my mom did. I mean that's what the saying “ leave as you came” means if you really think about it. Really how is my great grandma still alive when my mom is dead.
I had to realize that death doesn't ask to enter, it doesn't knock. It steps right in and snatches up anyone in it's way, and it has the key to every home so it can visit at any time.

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