I Wish I Could've Told You

February 23, 2012
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To my Teddy Bear,
You remember how it is that we started talking, don’t you? If not let me refresh your memory. Kelsey and I were having a sleepover (December 31st to name the exact date) and I was using her phone to find mine. While I was calling I noticed she had received a text from someone I didn’t recognize, so I did what I always do. I texted that person, I texted you, back. It was just a meaningless conversation but before I gave Kelsey back her phone I told you that if you wanted to keep talking you could text my phone, seeing as I had found it.

To be honest I never really expected you to text me back. I never expected you to mean as much to me as you do now. But you did, and you do. We’ve only known each other about a month and a half now but it feels like a lifetime. That tends to happen when you talk to someone from the moment you open your eyes to the moment when you close them… Especially when they become entangled in your dreams between.
We’ve played 20 questions for days upon days, extending well past 20 questions and probably into the hundreds. To say we know each other like the back of our hands would be an understatement. I know you like I know the twinkling sound of my mother’s voice; and you know me like the gruff voice of your father. It would be completely truthful to say I know you like the inside of my eyelids as well, seeing as when I close my eyes you’re all I see… I wish I could say the same for you. What do you see when you close your eyes, Josh? What do you see in that lull between the thoughts that haunt us at night, and your sweet, sweet dreams? Is it my face… or is it hers?

I could never quite be sure.

I guess the point of what I’m saying here is that even after you pulled up the last secret from the deep, dark well of them inside of me, you loved me as best as you knew how. And I loved you for that. (Just so you’re aware, yes, I have noticed that I’ve started to talk in the past tense. Yes, it is breaking my heart as well.) Nobody before you had ever accepted me so completely, as a whole. You’re the only person I’ve yet to meet who seems to be aware that even when the sun shines on someone, they always have a shadow following them.

I remember asking you one day if everything you had learned about me had changed your opinion of me at all. “Of course not, Katie,” you replied, “you have your faults, we all do! But the way you embrace those faults makes you beautiful beyond belief. I just wish you could see that.” For once in my life, I was speechless.

As a debater you know I rarely have issues finding the words to say, but it was different with you. To explain, you’d have to understand that what I do best is decoding people. Looking at someone and deciding exactly what they want from me (and more importantly how I can exploit that to get what I want from them) is what I do. I told you once that I see guys like puzzles… but while to me most guys are a 4 piece puzzle of a penguin, you’re a thousand piece puzzle of the sky. I never thought I’d finish putting you together. I never thought I’d figure out the words to say to you, how to act around you, what you wanted from me. Eventually I gave up on that and just decided to be myself, which turned out to be the best. At least I thought so.

Once again with the exact dates, February 12th was the night we went to the red park together. (I know, I know, it’s not called the red park. And you hate exact dates. But that’s just the way my mind works.) The number of topics we talked about that night seemingly had no end. Even our silence was comfortable, it had depth to it. The funny thing is the only conversation I remember clearly from that night was when we were sitting on the tables. Well, I was sitting. You stood in front of me and wrapped your arms around me, protecting me from the February winds which in Wisconsin, can chill you to the bone.

“You’re shaking,” you laughed out! “I know, I’m just so cold,” I murmured. Truth be told, (that’s the whole purpose behind this letter, right?), I wasn’t shaking because of the cold. What had me shaking was the depth of the emotions I knew I had for you. It was like I had just been hit by a freight train. I had fallen, hard, and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to get up.
But then I did what I always do once again, and I made a good thing bad. "How serious are things, with her?" I asked. "Wait...what?" you said defensively. "I'm not stupid; I know you have feelings for someone else… I just need to know if things are so serious with her that I should move on."
"I don't know," you told me. "I need to know. Just tell me, yes or no," I pleaded with you. I thought I had experienced heart break before but nothing could compare to how I felt when you said your next words. "You should, but I don't want you to. Katie, I want you to be there if things don't work out with Nikki since I do have feelings for you. Although seeing as her and I are dating those are feelings I shouldn't have." By this point the freight train had not only hit me, but run me over as well. "I'm sorry Josh but I just can't be your second choice. I deserve more than that." With that you told me what I never thought I'd be able to recover from...
"I guess you should just move on then."
And with that you left.
But I can't. Not when there's so much left to do with you, so much that we promised each other but never did. I have our list of fake vows taped on my wall. For as long as that list stays hanging up, you will stay in my heart. It's a constant battle within me not to simply tear it down, but the logical part of me tells me that it will fall down on its own.
When that day comes there will be no more tears left to cry. They all came out while I was watching The Notebook over and over, like a chain smoker who just can't get their nicotine fix. There will be no more words left to say, since I've said them all here.
There will be nothing you can do to try to fix my broken heart.
"Don't worry about me, Josh. I'm a big girl."
"When people tell me not to worry, I usually worry more."
"True. But I'm not yours to worry about anymore."

Love, your second choice

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